Polyamory, or the practice of having multiple committed partners in a loving relationship with the full consent and knowledge of everyone involved, is something I used to take part in during a few of my previous relationships. Lately, I find myself single but still remembering what those days were like and wondering what the future holds for me carrying forward with the “polyamorous mindset” or in other words: having the viewpoint of polyamory itself in every new relationship I get into, whether that relationship be monogamous or not. With the current outlook that society has on polyamorous relationships, there is still a great deal of stigma associated with my labeling myself with such a concept.

And that brings to mind the question that so many people are asking me “why are you going to tell anyone you believe in polyamory while you’re single?” They ask the question under the presumption that my telling new girls such a thing about myself is going to give them a bad impression and essentially send them running for the hills. To be honest, most of the time I don’t tell new girls I meet that I am polyamorous. In a lot of ways, it is sort of like talking about religion and politics with anyone you have just met – it is probably just not a good idea unless you can know for certain that the two of you are very like minded. The same holds true for a number of other ideologies and in my experience: that also holds true for polyamory.

Not too long ago before writing this, I got into a lengthy Facebook discussion regarding polyamory and about how moral or immoral the ideas of monogamy and non-monogamy both were, no matter what shape or form they might take. In the case of monogamy people are facing issues of cohabitation versus marriage, homosexuals face the issue of gay rights and the right for gay marriage, and couples tend to face varying degrees of commitment levels within their relationships. Non-monogamy related people face a hefty number of decisions, especially as to what community (or communities, plural) they may end up falling into whether it be polyamory, swinging, open relationships, being single, or whether they will become involved in some sort of kink related community. In any one particular case, there are certainly rational arguments for and against the different relationship possibilities.

Relationships and what we want in relationships rarely boil down to pure reason, however, and as scientific as I love to be I am also someone who agrees with many who say that relationships are really not so much about reason as they are about ‘needs’ or really – wants that take on a meaning of high significance for the people in the relationship. Everyone has emotional needs, physical needs, intellectual needs, and so on. Whether they satisfy that need with one romantic partner or several is all well and good but what matters is getting a YES to the question: Are you getting what you want?

For a little while now as I’ve been single and have found ways to rearrange my life accordingly and find things to do, I have found that I am fairly happy living the life of a single person. Consistently, I have been dating girls, having flings, and I openly admit even sexual experiences with different girls that, while I am not “falling in love with them,” are certainly appreciated company. Even if I have consistent partners, however, who are always around much of the time and whom I share a great deal with in terms of intimacy, most people are still going to say I am “doing the right thing” by being single and ‘promiscuous’ than by being in a relationship with the same two girls simultaneously for years or months at a time.

In other words, society seems to make the statement that you are doing less wrong by fooling around while single than by being serious while being polyamorous. And going back to speaking of decisions and thoughts coming from reason – this is utter retardation! Society, and majority rule, has it wrong in this particular case. The safe and healthy option for most people is not to bounce between people while single but is instead to have long term relationships. Still, I would make the case that many people also do not fall into any one of the mainstream categories and what is right for them is not to ever settle down into a long term arrangement of any kind. Yes, I am going to say it: some people I have met just need to be swingers, even single swingers who just have sex all over the place. People love to cite the risk of STD’s in those particular cases but for the sake of this article: I am going to give that mantra a rest.

What a person is cognitively, emotionally oriented to naturally do is something entirely different than what society might demand. The numbers of those who do not fall in line with the traditional societal model of monogamy are indeed staggering and as the data continues to be collected, the numbers of these people openly admitting they are the way they are seems to consistently grow. This is because sexuality exists on a spectrum and where someone falls at one point in time can also shift different directions and on those different directions it can shift to varying degrees. Sitting in my Human Sexuality class in college, this is indeed one of the first topics we talked about in regard to homosexuality, for instance.

Oddly enough, the monogamous and the homosexual will both be getting their societal rights before the polyamorous and non-monogamous in general will, it seems, as even many in the homosexual community (one of the single largest minority groups fighting for their civil rights) will often point a bad finger to those who prefer a non-monogamous lifestyle. Indeed, gay marriage will arrive long before plural or polyamorous marriage ever will in the American legal system.

My experience with past relationships was a tad painful, I must admit, mostly due to the fact that the girls I was with in the past were in complete denial over what it is they really wanted… they wanted monogamy! Instead of telling me they wanted monogamy, they instead told me, “I want you!” It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside but in the process it was sabotaging what little positive relationship energy we actually had. The sad part about someone who MUST be monogamous getting together with someone who MUST be poly is that those two people will probably never meet in the middle.

And now that I am single, I must be very careful with my words when meeting and connecting with new women. I have had some girls that I have dated in recent time ditch me purely on the basis that they assume I must love other girls “more” than I love them and have had girls leave me under the assumption that they would not be able to handle all of the “jealousy.” Though I have never really been able to pinpoint all of the things that really affect whether or not I am jealous, the truth is that I never really seem to experience jealousy in the same way that many others do! Of course, my lack of jealousy is a trait that allows me to experience poly oriented love that much more easily.

The truth of the matter is that even though I have a “polyamorous relationship orientation” as I call it, I would be perfectly happy with having ANY relationship, monogamous or not, that’s a great relationship, period. If, through the process of exchange that relationships consist of, another girl and I can both get what we want then I can easily see happiness in that. The dilemma of polyamory and those who pursue it is that it often happens with those who are already with someone and wish to open their relationship to new horizons and possibilities. In my case, I am with no one and already want to open myself to new horizons and possibilities, where ever they may lie, whether that be in an emotional connection or a physical one.

If you are new to polyamory or the idea of it, I highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton, and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino as well as checking out my old article on this subject entitled The Ups and Downs of Polyamory. YouTube also has an increasing number of videos on the subject as time goes on and the wealth of material available through a simple Google search has become incredible.

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