Now that the new semesters at campus nationwide have begun, many people are facing the fresh challenge of making new friends. For some, like new students to college campuses, they are ending up in a strange, new, unfamiliar place where forming a new social circle can be a significant challenge. One problem that I believe plagues students more than any other? Anxiety.

In fact, it is a known phenomenon that when you approach new people you can often experience “approach anxiety” as it is called in the world of social arts and science. Approach anxiety is where you experience a sense of panic, worry, hesitance, and other states that are associated with approaching a group of strangers (or even a single stranger). Unfortunately for some, approach anxiety is something that will not simply go away.

Anxiety’s effect on social networks has a whole is actually quite measurable, I believe, and it has been effectively demonstrated through sociological study that the more emotional tension is present in a dense space among a high number of people the more outbursts of crime and maladaptive behavior will emerge. People are all better off if they can relax but if they cannot relax then they are at least better off overcoming their anxiety and taking the first step forward to make a friend.

Consider for a moment what social interaction can do for the potential of new romantic encounters, as well, if you are looking to find a new partner. If you stay boxed in everyday then chances are that new romantic partner is simply not going to show up. The more people you interact with, the more likely it will be that one of those people will become a compatible match for you.

Some people stick to online dating only, for example, because of their own in-person insecurities when it comes to interacting with people out there in the “real world” but online dating is another form of social interaction all the same. The unfortunate difference with online dating is that the results happen slower and the things you should fear are actually all the same, the only difference is that the effect is softened by words on screen rather than speech in front of your own physical space.

For this semester, I am spending my first time ever living on campus. The first few days of school were all very interesting and even here proceeding into the second week I notice the same sorts of social situations happening all over the place; everyone is in the same social position. Yet, even as everyone finds themselves in the same sort of predicament, most people are afraid to open their mouths to other people and say anything about it. Even the other day when I was going to get dinner in the residential dining hall (basically a cafeteria) I went to ask one of the staff who was eating at a small table alone if I could sit down.

He was a young teen who inquired “could you not find a table?”

Well, my answer was that I could not, of course, but I expect I’d get a slightly different reaction if I would have just said “Actually, there were tables everywhere but I just thought I’d come join you.” Some people will even get slightly defensive to this reaction. Especially in certain societies, it seems to be a bash to the ego to admit that you have limited social value, even if it is only at a certain time and place. It also implies that there is something wrong with either wanting to sit by yourself or settling to sit by yourself without having any other option (and not being upset by that fact).

There are essentially two things you can do if you find yourself in a strange place with no familiar faces but you should be focusing on the first one more than the second. 1) You should attempt to make contact with as many new people as you can stand to. 2) You should become comfortable and accepting of being alone. The second piece of advice sounds sort of depressing in a way, doesn’t it? But it certainly is more comforting and uplifting than deciding that others’ acceptance of you is entirely in your control. You can attempt to get to know others as much as you want but it is their choice, in the end, as to whether or not they accept you.

Of course, there is indeed a right and a wrong way to approach new groups of people or people who find themselves alone and depending on the size of the group you approach there is a different sort of fashion you attempt these connections in each case. When it comes to large groups, you will need much more energy, assertiveness, and enthusiasm. When it comes to people alone: chances are they are either not actually alone or if they are alone: they will be a little more standoffish in some cases due to being on guard and in “protective” mode.

Still, one of the most important things you can do in approaching new groups is to not hesitate and hold as much confidence with yourself as possible. Be assertive and be straightforward. Try to find ways to avoiding typical, meaningless chitchat and attempt to start a conversation that is far more significant than what most people probably think to.

Do NOT open new groups with talking about the weather, politics, or religion. It is bad news and chances are high that whoever is next to you probably will not argue with your viewpoint anyway and you have immediately lost common ground, and likeness, with which you can build a good friendship or even just make a fine acquaintance. The easiest way to open a group is to let them know, usually nonverbally, you do not have to stay and that you are seeking their input on something that is highly relatable. Save the obscure stuff and inside jokes, obviously, for later on…

Example:
Good Opener: [To a group.] Quick question, guys. This might sound weird but do any of you believe there’s actually aliens out there? [Response with either yes or no.] Why is that? [Sit down.]
Bad Opener: [To a group.] Can I sit here?

When it comes to anxiety, it is best to focus on elements that you can control. For one thing, it should soothe you somewhat to know that most anxiety is the result of something that has not actually happened yet. Much of the time, anxiety is also irrational. You can also control your rate of breathing, which can slow down your heartrate and minimize your galvanic skin response (sweating). Try visualizing, as you breathe, waves of relaxation going through you and imagine feeling the sensation of that relaxation move through you in slow, steady waves which each breath.

If you do end up hesitating about approaching new people, remember that most of the time it is probably best to go ahead and get some practice in – approach anyway and work with what you’ve got! The people that are most worth your time are those who will be able to understand the important elements of where you are coming from and will accept the presentation you put forward without negative judgment. After all, if people are going to reject you for doing your best to connect with them then they probably aren’t worth your time anyway, are they?

Presenting yourself well also comes from being well developed as a person. Know what you believe as much as possible and take the time to explore your inner self. Take care of your health, exercise, and eat healthy foods (which means all kinds of things – see my other articles like How I Lost an Inch Off My Waist From Eating Alone). If you’re facing stresses in other areas of your life, chances are high that that stress can overflow into your social interactions, especially if those interactions are with brand new people.

If you liked this article, I’d highly recommend signing up to my mailing list, where you will get an 84 page eBook I wrote a while back entitled Principles of Social Attraction, a great starter guide for making some positive changes in your social life! To those on my mailing list, I also tackle a variety of topics in all areas of personal development. You can unsubscribe at any time and I never share your information with any third party.

Be Sociable, Share!