In fact, it is a known phenomenon that when you approach new people you can often experience “approach anxiety” as it is called in the world of social arts and science. Approach anxiety is where you experience a sense of panic, worry, hesitance, and other states that are associated with approaching a group of strangers (or even a single stranger). Unfortunately for some, approach anxiety is something that will not simply go away.

Anxiety’s effect on social networks has a whole is actually quite measurable, I believe, and it has been effectively demonstrated through sociological study that the more emotional tension is present in a dense space among a high number of people the more outbursts of crime and maladaptive behavior will emerge. People are all better off if they can relax but if they cannot relax then they are at least better off overcoming their anxiety and taking the first step forward to make a friend.

Consider for a moment what social interaction can do for the potential of new romantic encounters, as well, if you are looking to find a new partner. If you stay boxed in everyday then chances are that new romantic partner is simply not going to show up. The more people you interact with, the more likely it will be that one of those people will become a compatible match for you.

Some people stick to online dating only, for example, because of their own in-person insecurities when it comes to interacting with people out there in the “real world” but online dating is another form of social interaction all the same. The unfortunate difference with online dating is that the results happen slower and the things you should fear are actually all the same, the only difference is that the effect is softened by words on screen rather than speech in front of your own physical space.

For this semester, I am spending my first time ever living on campus. The first few days of school were all very interesting and even here proceeding into the second week I notice the same sorts of social situations happening all over the place; everyone is in the same social position. Yet, even as everyone finds themselves in the same sort of predicament, most people are afraid to open their mouths to other people and say anything about it. Even the other day when I was going to get dinner in the residential dining hall (basically a cafeteria) I went to ask one of the staff who was eating at a small table alone if I could sit down.

He was a young teen who inquired “could you not find a table?”

Well, my answer was that I could not, of course, but I expect I’d get a slightly different reaction if I would have just said “Actually, there were tables everywhere but I just thought I’d come join you.” Some people will even get slightly defensive to this reaction. Especially in certain societies, it seems to be a bash to the ego to admit that you have limited social value, even if it is only at a certain time and place. It also implies that there is something wrong with either wanting to sit by yourself or settling to sit by yourself without having any other option (and not being upset by that fact).

There are essentially two things you can do if you find yourself in a strange place with no familiar faces but you should be focusing on the first one more than the second. 1) You should attempt to make contact with as many new people as you can stand to. 2) You should become comfortable and accepting of being alone. The second piece of advice sounds sort of depressing in a way, doesn’t it? But it certainly is more comforting and uplifting than deciding that others’ acceptance of you is entirely in your control. You can attempt to get to know others as much as you want but it is their choice, in the end, as to whether or not they accept you.

Of course, there is indeed a right and a wrong way to approach new groups of people or people who find themselves alone and depending on the size of the group you approach there is a different sort of fashion you attempt these connections in each case. When it comes to large groups, you will need much more energy, assertiveness, and enthusiasm. When it comes to people alone: chances are they are either not actually alone or if they are alone: they will be a little more standoffish in some cases due to being on guard and in “protective” mode.

Still, one of the most important things you can do in approaching new groups is to not hesitate and hold as much confidence with yourself as possible. Be assertive and be straightforward. Try to find ways to avoiding typical, meaningless chitchat and attempt to start a conversation that is far more significant than what most people probably think to.

Do NOT open new groups with talking about the weather, politics, or religion. It is bad news and chances are high that whoever is next to you probably will not argue with your viewpoint anyway and you have immediately lost common ground, and likeness, with which you can build a good friendship or even just make a fine acquaintance. The easiest way to open a group is to let them know, usually nonverbally, you do not have to stay and that you are seeking their input on something that is highly relatable. Save the obscure stuff and inside jokes, obviously, for later on…

Example:
Good Opener: [To a group.] Quick question, guys. This might sound weird but do any of you believe there’s actually aliens out there? [Response with either yes or no.] Why is that? [Sit down.]
Bad Opener: [To a group.] Can I sit here?

When it comes to anxiety, it is best to focus on elements that you can control. For one thing, it should soothe you somewhat to know that most anxiety is the result of something that has not actually happened yet. Much of the time, anxiety is also irrational. You can also control your rate of breathing, which can slow down your heartrate and minimize your galvanic skin response (sweating). Try visualizing, as you breathe, waves of relaxation going through you and imagine feeling the sensation of that relaxation move through you in slow, steady waves which each breath.

If you do end up hesitating about approaching new people, remember that most of the time it is probably best to go ahead and get some practice in – approach anyway and work with what you’ve got! The people that are most worth your time are those who will be able to understand the important elements of where you are coming from and will accept the presentation you put forward without negative judgment. After all, if people are going to reject you for doing your best to connect with them then they probably aren’t worth your time anyway, are they?

Presenting yourself well also comes from being well developed as a person. Know what you believe as much as possible and take the time to explore your inner self. Take care of your health, exercise, and eat healthy foods (which means all kinds of things – see my other articles like How I Lost an Inch Off My Waist From Eating Alone). If you’re facing stresses in other areas of your life, chances are high that that stress can overflow into your social interactions, especially if those interactions are with brand new people.

If you liked this article, I’d highly recommend signing up to my mailing list, where you will get an 84 page eBook I wrote a while back entitled Principles of Social Attraction, a great starter guide for making some positive changes in your social life! To those on my mailing list, I also tackle a variety of topics in all areas of personal development. You can unsubscribe at any time and I never share your information with any third party.

And that brings to mind the question that so many people are asking me “why are you going to tell anyone you believe in polyamory while you’re single?” They ask the question under the presumption that my telling new girls such a thing about myself is going to give them a bad impression and essentially send them running for the hills. To be honest, most of the time I don’t tell new girls I meet that I am polyamorous. In a lot of ways, it is sort of like talking about religion and politics with anyone you have just met – it is probably just not a good idea unless you can know for certain that the two of you are very like minded. The same holds true for a number of other ideologies and in my experience: that also holds true for polyamory.

Not too long ago before writing this, I got into a lengthy Facebook discussion regarding polyamory and about how moral or immoral the ideas of monogamy and non-monogamy both were, no matter what shape or form they might take. In the case of monogamy people are facing issues of cohabitation versus marriage, homosexuals face the issue of gay rights and the right for gay marriage, and couples tend to face varying degrees of commitment levels within their relationships. Non-monogamy related people face a hefty number of decisions, especially as to what community (or communities, plural) they may end up falling into whether it be polyamory, swinging, open relationships, being single, or whether they will become involved in some sort of kink related community. In any one particular case, there are certainly rational arguments for and against the different relationship possibilities.

Relationships and what we want in relationships rarely boil down to pure reason, however, and as scientific as I love to be I am also someone who agrees with many who say that relationships are really not so much about reason as they are about ‘needs’ or really – wants that take on a meaning of high significance for the people in the relationship. Everyone has emotional needs, physical needs, intellectual needs, and so on. Whether they satisfy that need with one romantic partner or several is all well and good but what matters is getting a YES to the question: Are you getting what you want?

For a little while now as I’ve been single and have found ways to rearrange my life accordingly and find things to do, I have found that I am fairly happy living the life of a single person. Consistently, I have been dating girls, having flings, and I openly admit even sexual experiences with different girls that, while I am not “falling in love with them,” are certainly appreciated company. Even if I have consistent partners, however, who are always around much of the time and whom I share a great deal with in terms of intimacy, most people are still going to say I am “doing the right thing” by being single and ‘promiscuous’ than by being in a relationship with the same two girls simultaneously for years or months at a time.

In other words, society seems to make the statement that you are doing less wrong by fooling around while single than by being serious while being polyamorous. And going back to speaking of decisions and thoughts coming from reason – this is utter retardation! Society, and majority rule, has it wrong in this particular case. The safe and healthy option for most people is not to bounce between people while single but is instead to have long term relationships. Still, I would make the case that many people also do not fall into any one of the mainstream categories and what is right for them is not to ever settle down into a long term arrangement of any kind. Yes, I am going to say it: some people I have met just need to be swingers, even single swingers who just have sex all over the place. People love to cite the risk of STD’s in those particular cases but for the sake of this article: I am going to give that mantra a rest.

What a person is cognitively, emotionally oriented to naturally do is something entirely different than what society might demand. The numbers of those who do not fall in line with the traditional societal model of monogamy are indeed staggering and as the data continues to be collected, the numbers of these people openly admitting they are the way they are seems to consistently grow. This is because sexuality exists on a spectrum and where someone falls at one point in time can also shift different directions and on those different directions it can shift to varying degrees. Sitting in my Human Sexuality class in college, this is indeed one of the first topics we talked about in regard to homosexuality, for instance.

Oddly enough, the monogamous and the homosexual will both be getting their societal rights before the polyamorous and non-monogamous in general will, it seems, as even many in the homosexual community (one of the single largest minority groups fighting for their civil rights) will often point a bad finger to those who prefer a non-monogamous lifestyle. Indeed, gay marriage will arrive long before plural or polyamorous marriage ever will in the American legal system.

My experience with past relationships was a tad painful, I must admit, mostly due to the fact that the girls I was with in the past were in complete denial over what it is they really wanted… they wanted monogamy! Instead of telling me they wanted monogamy, they instead told me, “I want you!” It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside but in the process it was sabotaging what little positive relationship energy we actually had. The sad part about someone who MUST be monogamous getting together with someone who MUST be poly is that those two people will probably never meet in the middle.

And now that I am single, I must be very careful with my words when meeting and connecting with new women. I have had some girls that I have dated in recent time ditch me purely on the basis that they assume I must love other girls “more” than I love them and have had girls leave me under the assumption that they would not be able to handle all of the “jealousy.” Though I have never really been able to pinpoint all of the things that really affect whether or not I am jealous, the truth is that I never really seem to experience jealousy in the same way that many others do! Of course, my lack of jealousy is a trait that allows me to experience poly oriented love that much more easily.

The truth of the matter is that even though I have a “polyamorous relationship orientation” as I call it, I would be perfectly happy with having ANY relationship, monogamous or not, that’s a great relationship, period. If, through the process of exchange that relationships consist of, another girl and I can both get what we want then I can easily see happiness in that. The dilemma of polyamory and those who pursue it is that it often happens with those who are already with someone and wish to open their relationship to new horizons and possibilities. In my case, I am with no one and already want to open myself to new horizons and possibilities, where ever they may lie, whether that be in an emotional connection or a physical one.

If you are new to polyamory or the idea of it, I highly suggest reading The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton, and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino as well as checking out my old article on this subject entitled The Ups and Downs of Polyamory. YouTube also has an increasing number of videos on the subject as time goes on and the wealth of material available through a simple Google search has become incredible.

My being a rationalist, however, has left me in recent time to admit a small part of the evidence regarding beauty. Beauty, to some degree, is something that has a default setting. Part of the reason so many people are being conditioned to find some things beautiful appears to be, from the evidence I have seen, truly that some things genuinely are naturally beautiful! However, most of the time beauty is something that we are tumbling toward during our daily lives when it has been mixed up in a state that lies somewhere between natural and conditioned beauty. One site that probably demonstrates this remarkably well, is the dating site BeautifulPeople.com. It is a dating site that allows people to filter through their potential matches purely on the basis of their appearance and get this: you have to be voted in in order to even stay on the site!

I am a big fan of a book called Survival of the Prettiest by Nancy Etcoff. I found it sitting on a bookshelf of my dad’s years ago. Etcoff describes in meticulous detail the various universal concepts of human beauty and what we will find attractive outside of any sort of conditioned factors and the number one item she cites, along with many other authors at this point, is symmetry. That is, how much one side of your face and body match the characteristics of the other side. That is interesting, however, because I have often been a fan of very slight asymmetry myself and perfect symmetry is damned difficult to obtain! Heck, every single female I will end up staring at has one breast larger than the other and a hair style that no doubt demonstrates a degree of asymmetry.

Forget about all of this for a moment because I want to talk about something that should really be the overall message being spread throughout society today. I have dated a number of girls at the time of this writing: some “ugly” some “skinny” some “fat” and so on. I have dated a couch potato, a hot dancer, an slender actress, a chubby smoker, an almost stick thin smoker, and the list goes on in combinations. The most interesting and indeed painful thing that I experienced during any of it is the social stigma that goes along with being together with a girl who was “unattractive” by societal standards or expectations.

Much of the time, my “friends” at one time or another (though obviously they were not that great of friends at all), were making judgments about what value the girl I was dating at the time based on whether or not she was physical attractive. For the girls that were stunningly gorgeous, I was rewarded with praise and their saying “good going, Scott, you better not screw things up with this one!” One of the sweetest and nicest girls I ever dated was considered overweight but some people I introduced her to appeared to make a judgment call based upon nothing more than her appearance to them. Maybe I am imagining this but here is what I know for sure – I was never bothered by any of the girls’ appearances I dated. If I was bothered, I never would have dated them, much less had sex with them!

And one thing always happened but before I mention it, I should first mention a series of experiments that have been done in the field of psychology. They have found that by simply making a facial expression that is associated with a specific emotion, you can then trigger the actual emotion. So if you smile and hold that smile, you may end up feeling just a little bit happier. If you make an angry scowl, you may end up feeling more anger. It is simply because of associations that have been constructed over time in your brain’s pathology related to physical actions or stimuli and the emotions those things have been paired with. An interesting exercise I would encourage any supposedly “romantic” guy to try is the following.

Find a girl you deem ugly, or mediocre at best who is crazy about you. You do not have to be a fan of her appearance but you probably need to be a fan of her personality. Maybe she is someone you put in the ‘friend zone’ for all those years but she has been orbiting you, remaining loyal, during all that time. I guarantee you that the day you throw away all of your old presumptions about her and actually just work up the courage to look her deep in the eyes for several seconds and then move in for a kiss, your opinion of her will change. You will almost instantly feel more attracted to her after the fact. Or, try just hugging and holding that hug for a long time (and no patting the back, friends don’t pat). Relax and feel the warmth of her body and match her breathing. Close your eyes if it helps.

Physically intimate experiences, under the evidence I know, can be induced. Attraction can also occur after you have purposefully shifted the context and you will literally no longer see that person as ugly or even unattractive in many, many different cases. Your mind and brain have the ability to drastically shift the overall energy and color of an experience to reflect something far more deeper and far more positive than any sort of disgust or contempt you may have for their appearance. It might sound crazy but I am literally encouraging people to second guess their opinion of “ugly” people when it comes to dating. Yes, guys, kiss the “ugly” girls sometimes!

Having said that, though, I should also make another important point that is also equally worthy of recognition. Girls that typically have a good body and a stunning appearance instantly when you see them are generally more competent about their health and well being than ones who are not. That assumes, of course, that your perceptions of body image are not drastically distorted (and with both men and women this has been found to happen). It is more difficult to stay skinny and muscular or skinny and toned than it is to remain fat and unkempt and for that reason the more motivated are generally, genuinely, more attractive than the unmotivated and incompetent.

Along with this, it is also true that the girls you find horrendously beautiful beyond your controlling the feeling are those that generally have a better genetic match for you than ones who do not (and this applies to both genders, so girls: that applies to you when attracted to guys too). Scent is another big one, particularly for girls, if a guy smells strangely wonderful to you without any cologne then chances are he is an okay pick for a mate (at least physically). Given how much I work on my appearance and my general social image, I probably am going to be most compatible with a girl who does the same.

But it would be terribly foolish for you to turn away someone who could be a part of your life as a lover just because you or your “friends” thought to them to be physically ugly. Just as we are taught in almost cheesy movies like Shallow Hal, it is best if we do away with our presumptions and choose to connect with a person’s soul. The soul, after all, is more at someone’s core than their outer shell and their core is what we should love and care about.

For many people, no matter what the issue is, communicating to them that they should change is a lot easier than communicating to them to change. In other words, it is easy to highlight a problem to someone and to get them to agree with you but difficult to demonstrate why it would be worth it for them to go through the energy and effort required to change it. I call this whole idea relating to having motivation to advance and progress The Worth of Advancement. The Worth of Advancement basically states that 1) If something has worth, then we desire it, 2) If we desire it, then we are motivated to pursue it, and 3) Therefore, if something has worth, then we are motivated to pursue it.

Or, put another way: if someone sees why something has worth then they will want to obtain it and will work toward doing so. Without seeing why money has worth, you may be broke. Without seeing why love has worth, you may be antisocial. Without seeing why exercise has worth, you may be something like physically lazy.

So, the question of beginning to create a change starts with what we are doing to cause that change to begin with, and why we are going after that particular change. When you think about it, this is the same way that negative changes happen too, not just positive ones! Or rather, this is the same way that disadvantageous changes happen instead of advantageous and beneficial ones. Someone will take up smoking cigarettes because they perceive the bad health effects to be worth the sense of relaxation and control they get from lighting up.

Worth ties into beliefs. When we believe something to be true, our beliefs are generally constructed from our thoughts, feelings, and the actions we take upon our environment. Of course, the environment is constantly sending stimuli our way to try and convince us that we should act one way or another but the entire time we have to make choices and decisions regarding how we go about responding to our environment. Perhaps one of the first places you should always start for change is knowing what you can or cannot control. This is the truth: you can control your response to the environment but not the environment itself.

Robert J. Stanley, for example, in his book Stop Acting Rich: …And Start Living Like A Real Millionaire, remarks upon the fact that a huge percentage of modern millionaires avoid the stock market like the plague. My own grandmother has given me the advice that if you want a reliable return on your stock investments that you should never purchase a stock without a paying dividend. Still, some millionaires have avoided the stock market together for the reason that they have no control over what shifts the market takes; you can control your business as a business owner and how that business is run but you may not be able to control economic conditions and the actions of your competitors. From a certain perspective it makes total sense!

Now, am I saying specifically that you should avoid the stock market all together? Well no, not necessarily. In fact, one of my favorite coaches, the ever popular Tony Robbins remarked that while things have taken a drastic economic turn there is still tremendous opportunity for the right investors. I agree with him, he is right – when stock prices have plummeted and the economic conditions begin to recover you may just see the prices rise an amazing high at an exponential rate for a while. If you buy stock at $5 a share when the economy has hit either rock bottom or near rock bottom it is possible you could see that stock rise to around $12 to $14 or even more once the economy recovers. That’s more than a 100% increase and a huge return! Of course, I do not recommend that you gamble away all your savings on such an idea.

Another portion of change that is a huge element: some of the things that you believe are true and some of the things that are true you do not believe. Back in early 2006, I pitched the idea of my old t-shirt side business to my production company, Barton Ct. Productions Inc., so that we could have a source of income outside of the indie/amateur film industry (which in terms of money is basically non-existent). Later on in April of that same year, after they had shot down the idea saying it would be, basically, a waste of time if it did not work and something we “weren’t ready for” I decided to launch that side business myself and ended up coming out of it with over $15,000 in profit by the end of the business’s run. Not bad for a guy who had not even turned 21 and had only been through a couple semesters of college, running that operation part time!

Aside from just money, the lack of belief in what may be the truth constantly happens in other areas as well. Relationships can tend to suffer (or never even happen at all) because someone does not believe that they can grow being in a relationship with you or sometimes when you open your mouth to a stranger they will automatically assume, because of past experience or some other perception, that you have nothing to offer them. In many cases, rejection of a friendship or a romantic relationship can result from a belief in something that simply is not true.

So how do you tell the difference? How do you decipher the truth? To begin with, it certainly is not easy. Of course, there are right and wrong ways of going about it and the one thing you should probably rely on as little as possible is your emotional guidance, or intuition. The most fail proof way we have is engaging in the scientific method. I will not get too deep into the scientific method for this particular article but essentially it involves forming something you believe to be true in the first place, a hypothesis, and then setting up a rational process in which you can validly and reliably test that hypothesis. Many people probably already know about the scientific method because fortunately: it is taught as young as elementary school.

Under my conclusions, everything also relates back to Long Term Survival Theory, which essentially says that we should always be following this general process:

• Survive – physical longevity, staying alive, being healthy.
• Replication – reproducing aspects of ourselves but outside of our own mind and body.
  • Mimetic Replication – the expansion and reproduction of our ideas and non-material traits.
  • Genetic Replication – the biological reproduction of our physical body, our DNA, sexual reproduction.
• Empower – enable the other people in the population around you to do the first two main portions of the process.

The last part can be a bit confusing to some but the reasoning behind it comes from findings demonstrable in the field of social network analysis, sociology, and psychology. If we exert effort on making sure the others around us are doing well it has been proven that it will aid us as well! If your family is happy, you are more likely to be happy. If your friends are all in a great mood then that great mood can be contagious and chances are pretty soon you might be in a great mood as well. Human beings have a remarkable ability for empathy due in part to our own ability for cognitive (or thought) constructs and something in our brains known as mirror neurons – where the brain will literally fire off some of the same connections that other people are firing off when those people express certain emotions that you see.

To sum everything up, it is really essential that you understand these basics regarding creating any life transformation, or change, from your core foundations. You need to:
1) Understand what your beliefs are, why you have them, and ask whether or not they can be known to be absolutely true.
2) Figure out what you feel has worth and consider why you want to work toward it. Make a list of other things that might have worth and another list of things that you feel are entirely worthless.
3) Begin to test and experiment with what you feel has worth, what you believe, and begin to learn and understand what is true. Remember that emotion should have little influence on this process. Be scientific and measure, measure, measure!

If you perform this exercise on a continuous basis you will quickly find that it opens up more and more questions which become more and more challenging to answer. For someone who has never really conducted this process on their life, it could prove to be challenging to simply write down the beliefs in which they have because there are many people who do not even know what it is they actually believe!

A general example of what this process might look like would be:
1) I believe that if I advertise for my business, I will receive more customers – is this true?
2) It is worth it to receive more customers for my business because I will receive more money and money is good – is this true?
3) Assuming that both things are true, let me begin conducting experiments to see if this entire concept is true.

Then you proceed to attempt different kinds of advertising and marketing strategies and so on and so forth. The interesting thing is that, in this example, sometimes not all businesses will receive more customers from advertising. Sometimes “money being good” might be true but maybe the fact that the money being good being your motivation actually presents a problem in your action plan. This is not an absolutely concrete process, it is an abstract one that is designed to get you thinking about all kinds of different angles on one single concept, which will then turn into endless concepts.

Remember that creating a change should happen from first understanding the foundations of where that change, and the desire for that change, are coming from. You must understand why it is you believe what it is you believe before you decide whether or not it is worth changing the belief in the first place. Sometimes being entrenched in a single belief without truly looking to outside sources with an open mind can be remarkably damaging and will only cause you to become further entrenched in a harmful, useless, or just plain false belief. Forming a hypothesis and testing it through rationally oriented experimentation is the best way to finding reliable and valid solutions to any problem that you may face whether those problems relate to relationships, money, or any aspect of health and beyond.

Of course, that is not to say that the right girl could not come along and change everything. Certainly, there are a few different types of girls out there that are still making me smile on a daily basis. I have also noticed that during the time I have been single is when the most women are stepping up to take charge. It is nice, for once, to finally be pursued.

I do not think my being ‘pursued’ is a coincidence at all, though, and there are a few reasons for that. For one, I have worked tirelessly on myself for years now, especially since getting out of high school. The clothes I wear look nicer, I am almost always well groomed, I have been made significant headway toward graduating with my degree, and I have completed a number of other side projects that make me feel very accomplished for a 22 year old.

As a part of working on myself, I have discovered that there are particular things that really do attract women as well as make me feel happier about just being me. Here are the top ten things to do while being single that have worked very well for me.

1. Make all of the extra dirty, filthy money you can. Yes, it is true. Women cost money. And during the time you are single is one of the best opportunities you have to rake in the extra doe. No dinner to pay for, no anniversary gifts, DEFINITELY no shiny ring, not even extra groceries. And hey, if you find other ways to pass the time, there’s not even a Netflix membership fee. Hooray! So that’s savings, and then there’s all that extra time you have to work extra hours on your business or at your hourly rate job.

2. Work on your body and the women will follow. I have begun to lose track of how many times I have run into old female friends and they all remark “wow, Scott, you’ve lost a LOT of weight!” I was not even fat to begin with but now I am super skinny from eating low carb and doing high intensity, short burst interval training. Of course, my body still lacks perfection. But that is okay – the girls are noticing the effort nonetheless.

3. Make lots of new friends. Truthfully, this may just be one of the most important things you can possibly do and may just belong at #1 on the list. But since money helps you eat and friends do not (all the time, at least), I’ll place it a little lower. Friends are the lifeblood of your social life while you are single and by extension are probably part of the lifeblood of your overall happiness as well. Find people that are just like you who can give you support in all areas of your life. Use sites like Meetup.com to find people with similar interests and find a good spot in your city’s local night life to frequent. Be a familiar face in an unfamiliar crowd and overcome any level of shyness you may have.

4. Take up a hobby or give to charity with your time. Especially if you are just coming out of a break up, it is essential to spend your time in a meaningful way besides lounging around the house, picking your nose, or watching movies. Do something that you enjoy and that brings you fulfillment.

5. Get educated in a new subject. Sometimes your opportunity to learn new things goes hand in hand with some of the other items on this list. Tackle different areas of your social skills or learn a new technical trade. I know that for me, following break ups, it is one of the best things that will push me right back to this blog or into working on a new book. For others, it might be learning a new language, taking up a self defense class, or learning how to sky dive. There are a wide range of things to do, get out into the world and experience it!

6. Cut ties with your addictions and vices. If you have an addiction to smoking, cigarettes, sex, alcohol, or anything else – now is a good time to focus on getting your health back together. This could even mean making a new goal and commitment to do away with junk food. Something within your routines is probably messed up. Figure out what it is and work on it. If it takes doing so, start seeing a therapist with cognitive-behavior therapy background and who is a licensed professional counselor (LPC).

7. Give yourself a style makeover. I know it might sound very girlish of me to say but here I am, a guy, and telling other guys here to get style makeovers. Head out to the store and pick up a brand new suit if you are a professional person, buy some new casual clothes for a night out on the town, and use them. Try out and experiment with different looks and test to see what others’ responses are.

8. Work on your career and getting to a place you want to be. This might, in some sense, resemble item #1, but it is a bit different. It is sometimes possible to make a horrendous amount of money without enjoying yourself so be sure you are also working on either getting that next promotion at work or are working on making a new impact in your business or field of study.

9. Figure out what went wrong with past relationships and exactly what you want in the next partner. If you do not yet know what you want, then get everything together and get back to trying again. If you do know then remember not to bother settling for less than what you deserve. Sometimes, figuring out what you want can be as simple as doing a little meditation or sitting down for several minutes to write down what you like and dislike on a sheet of paper. It might seem like common sense or things that are “universal” but believe it or not you may desire things that are remarkably unique in relationships. Single is one of the times to determine what those things are.

10. Flirt. A lot. And create options. Part of being single means that you hold obligations to no one. For this reason, it only makes sense that you should be able to test the waters a bit. Where you can, open the opportunity for shifting the context of different relationships and see how the various candidates respond! For some people this is not fun, but I admit it is one of the best parts of being single for me.

For each one of these categories there are literally countless different books that could be written regarding the different points but all of these have one thing in common – they all have to do with improving yourself and working to become more attractive for that next relationship. I can also understand, following a breakup, needing some time off from relationships. Maybe I am in that category and do not realize it but chances are more likely that I am really just taking more time off from girls because the right one (or ones) has not popped up.

In the mean time, I will enjoy the increased productivity, financial savings, peace of mind, and quiet that goes with the single life. Cheers.

I also considered the possibility that when it comes to wealth of any kind, it might be impossible to give a really sound rational argument for anyone deserving anything. Why does the man who was born into a middle class family deserve the middle class money over that of one born into poverty? After all, not everything that we receive is earned, or deserved.

But does that mean that whether or not you “deserve” something matter as to whether or not you will end up receiving it? Unfortunately, even if we could develop a logical system for determining whether or not something could lay claim to riches over one person or another, I fear that the world would never be able to accurately follow it; all anyone deserves is dependent upon social perceptions and norms.

For instance, one of the first points at which we give, even at an unconscious level, deservingness of anything is the idea of personhood. If a being cannot be considered a person then by that notion they are probably not entitled to the same things that a person would be. But how can we define a person? People have been trying to do this for centuries and yet the legal system is consistently creating new laws and regulations throughout the years that make judgments off some sort of intuitively felt definition that the entire population can never fully agree on.

Even as society at large slowly gathers more empirical evidence and draws rational conclusions over time it can be extremely difficult to determine whether or not a full definition will be reached in the foreseeable future. Recently I was sitting in an Intro to Philosophy class and the concept of defining personal identity was being discussed. I found myself getting extremely confused over the different ideas: If you were to transfer the brain of one person to another’s body is it still the same person? Does sameness of brain mean sameness of person?

Many of us are intuitively inclined to answer that a brain can define identity all on its own but some situations could easily arise to alter this notion. The methodology for how we determine who receives what, even right down to a person’s very core, matters.

One of the very first areas in which we might start figuring this whole concept out is in relation to our own lives and our material possessions. For example, does any corporate CEO really deserve something like a ten million dollar per year salary? I began asking myself a question very similar because of my eventual dream of being entirely and completely financially comfortable.

Question 1: Do I, Scott Lee, deserve to have one million dollars per year?

At first impulse, most people would replace my name and consider the question for themselves and then would proceed to give arguments based on a number of premises, all mostly based off emotional compulsion.

Premise 1 – If I work extremely hard, then I deserve X amount of dollars.
Premise 2 – If I have been through an extreme amount of pain, I deserve Y amount of dollars.
Therefore: I deserve X + Y amount of dollars.

You could claim that there might be a way to devise a method of quantifying, or giving numerical value to the values of X and Y, or X+Y being the total amount of money you actually deserve. If anyone could give me an even remotely valid way to do this, let me know, but the entire thing wreaks of emotionally driven and flawed rationalization to me.

To really get anywhere with the above question and its combination of answers we really have to examine things more carefully. A new question I immediately followed with was this:

Question 2: How does anyone come to deserve anything of material value?

Some possible answers:
Premise 1 – They must, by some means and on a quantitative scale, earn the right to obtain those material things.
Premise 2 – Society must accept through social means and by majority rule their earnings.
Premise 3 – Then the first premise is true, then the second invariably regulates the quantities of deserving.
Therefore: Deserving anything of material value comes from the quantity through which you earn it and the approval of societal social norms as they interact and relate to each other.

Now I think I am actually getting somewhere with this second question and its proposed premises for providing a sufficient answer. Of course, we are still dealing with the troubling proposition of quantifying a means to deserving anything. Not to mention the truth value of premise 3 – if the relationship does exist between the first two premises then how do we calculate the intricacies of that relationship?

Question 3: Assuming anyone does deserve anything they receive, does their deserving it make a difference as to whether or not they receive it?
The more I explore the idea of deserving the more I realize that the thing that matters most is social convention, if we are only exploring an answer through logic. The entire concept actually turns out to be pretty vague unless we come up with a much more clear definition of just what “deserving” really is.

So what lies ahead as an answer for our own lives? Do we turn to some sort of folk wisdom like: nothing new under the sun or nothing lasts forever? How do we know where to turn? What is to say that there is such a thing as deserving and if there is: do we even deserve anything at all? Nevermind material possessions – do we even deserve to be alive?

In struggling to find answers to these questions in a rational manner, it has created a tremendous sense of gratitude in me. Maybe even at the age of 21 as I write this article I am incredibly lucky to even be here at all, and thus comes a powerful feeling of giving thanks.

So maybe you can answer the questions better for me: what is deserving? Assuming we know what it is, how do we know what we deserve? Assuming we know how to determine what we deserve – what do you deserve and why?

So the communication, the ‘permission’ you’re looking for, so to speak, is going to be nonverbal. You will look for what are called IOI’s, or indicator’s of interest, as modern day pick-up artists like to call them through different forms of body language and your own intuition. You will also look for other cues, specifically in their overall expression that will be telling you what it is they’re looking for. Verbally, single sentences and phrases to certain questions also can tell you a very large amount of information without having to say very much at all.

On the topic of intuition, there’s a very good book you should read called Intuition: Its Powers and Perils, by David G. Myers. In this book, Myers points out correctly with other recent authors who have been writing on the subject that the subconscious mind does indeed have an incredible power to deduce a vast amount of information and carry out complex problem solving aids when given very little information because of its ability to process so much information at once, but as Myers points out: only when emotional influence is left out of the picture. Especially when it comes to human relationships, this is where you can have a conscious filter going that will skew your intuition into something sour and poorly evaluated.

The fact of the matter is, your intuition is constantly trying to work for you. This is why first impressions are so valuable, but also why they stress that you “shouldn’t judge someone before you get to know them.” At first glance, you might think that when we form quick judgments about people upon meeting them that may be incorrect our intuition is at fault, we are actually looking at something other than our intuition with that initial feeling. Intuition and the entire process through which it operates works under the context of our own conscious interpretation, or conscious filter. If you take the first gut reaction you have as the correct one, you’re taking the first conscious interpretation you have as the correct one.

Coming back to the topic of relationships, you can see how maybe relying on intuition alone is not going to be a very good idea. Especially in the heat of the moment where you’re about to kiss that special someone or maybe walk them to their door – how can you possibly rely on intuition when you just might be going off of your own conscious interpretation of it? Well, on a long term note: developing an ability to understand both yourself and how your intuitive process works is going to help you in all areas of life in the long run. I would recommend reading my Introduction to Intuitive Social Analysis(ISA) when you get a chance, which describes how we can use our complex intuitive process to get information about people we never even dreamed possible. One person who is astonishingly good with interpreting their intuition is my friend Alex, who determined that my girlfriend owned a dog just by looking at a picture of her standing in the middle of a yard. Consciously, the whole thing seems ludicrous, but subconsciously – there’s more that we understand than we can possibly understand.

Having said that, sometimes your own interpretation is totally spot on. When I’m close to a girl and she is looking at me a certain way, I’ve come to know from experience what particular gazes and looks probably mean. For example, one day at work a girl was smiling a very particular sort of smile I had rarely seen from her before and staring directly into my eyes with a soft sort of stare. As you can probably guess from my trying to write about it: there’s only so many words that I can use to get you to imagine how I can just ‘recognize it,’ but like many of you I can promise I swear I know when I see it. Later on that same day after she had given me that look she told me she had feelings for me. Logically, the gaze could have been considered anything: she was thinking about an old joke or something. Intuitively, I understood: oh wow, she likes me!

The key to this whole thing called intuition is practice. Practice understanding it and with everything, not just what you think might be intuition, practice your ability at understanding your own reactions to your thoughts, both in the first instance you feel them as well as later when things may not quite be so obvious. Also try doing actual follow ups later on, asking the people you interacted with about the experience. I often like to ask girls I’ve ended up with later on: “Do you remember that day when we shook hands and you…” where experiences can then be validated. Once you can understand specific moments in which the two of you were both mutually experiencing the same thing you’ll come to understand those instances in the future that much easier.

Actual IOI, or indicator’s of interest, are often distinctly different between the two genders of male and female. For females, playing with their hair, fidgeting a little bit more than usual, laughing more than they normally would, and being more touchy-feely than they normally would are all signs that they are interested. If you have just one of those indicators, things are looking up. If you have any three of them happening simultaneously, chances are good – make the move! For males, I’ve seen these things differ from individual to individual, and from my own experience I think that males IOI’s can be more subtle. Initiating kinesthetics, or touching, is something that is universal among both genders, and so is the dilation of the pupils. If it is a sunny day outside and someone is looking at you with huge pupils – it means they take an affectionate view toward you.

Of course, I don’t want you panicking if it is truly bright outside and people’s pupils are tiny, they’re squinting just to try and keep their eyes protected from harsh light – sometimes it really is just too bright! But it is also true that when you’re in a situation that it should obviously be different, dilated pupils can be a clear cut, non-deniable physiological sign that someone fancies you. The reason the pupils dilate is to let in more light for a more vivid image. It’s the brain’s way of telling the body that it hungers for a closer, more vibrant image of this person. Fundamentally at virtually every possible level, it’s attraction at its best.

Another universal IOI between both genders is the adoption and assimilation of certain traits, be it mannerisms or just personality isms. If there is a certain way that you talk and your desired special someone starts imitating those movements and gestures, you’re also looking at a good sign. This is something human beings do when they like anything, and it’s more simply known as imitation. Even kids in elementary school will imitate people they find entertaining or likeable.

When it comes to kinesthetics, or touch, the key is escalation. If someone is already engaging in kino with you, this is a wonderful sign! It means that they are already comfortable being close to you and that moving to a higher level with it will probably be much easier because the initial efforts have already been made. Kinesthetics are the clearest, easiest way to determine how to proceed with the next move, or the big “first move.” You can start by doing compliance tests. I know that I have a deeper level of connection with a girl who will actually give me her hand when I request so than a girl who won’t, and I know I have an even deeper level of connection beyond that when a girl will then let me touch her hand a lot while holding it to illustrate a point. The more intimate they allow contact to be, the more likely you’re able to kiss them or touch them elsewhere!

Words of warning, though: this does not mean to go grabbing a girl’s boobs or something and see what happens. You also want to always keep in mind the context of whatever situation or setting you’re in! Do NOT do this while you’re in the workplace unless you’re already sure compliance can happen without negative consequences, or particular other settings. You have to use your own discretion on that one and not all of the work can be done for you in a simple article. Of course, it’s also important to keep in mind that the context shouldn’t necessarily always stop you either. If you find yourself making tons of excuses in your mind as to why you should not do certain things, and those excuses are endlessly showing up no matter what, you’ve problem got a new problem to deal with: shyness.

Going back to my previous example of touching hands – hands are perfect, because hands are completely neutral limbs of the body. If I were to touch her legs, I might run into trouble. If I were to touch her arms anywhere above the elbow, I might also be running into trouble. If were to touch her stomach, definitely her chest, her neck, or her face: these are all potentially bad areas. But hands are fair game in tons of different contexts, so you’re often safe to play with her hands when she will comply. All in all, the ending doorway that you’re attempting to get to, whether you’re male or female, is touch. The compliance of touch is paired with emotional compliance, and emotional compliance is the essential lifeblood of any romantic relationship when it’s shared between the two people involved.

When all is said and done, it is entirely possible that you could be miles away from reaching that point. If a guy or girl is blowing you off with statements like, “I’ve got to take care of my pet guinea pig,” or they repeatedly say things to their friends in your presence like, “I couldn’t possibly spend time with [your name here],” then you’re definitely in trouble, and it is giving you a very laid out status report of where you two stand socially. Still, a common fact usually holds true: watch the body language versus the verbal language. Most of the time, the body language of someone should override what it is that they’re saying to you. If a girl makes out with me and then tells me, “I’m not interested in you,” her statement, in and of itself, is not believable at all. On the other hand, if she is saying that there are definitely some other factors I’m probably going to want to consider and look into.

In a person’s body language and their verbal language are lined up in shunning you off – it’s time to move on. It really is that simple when it comes to those who are completely uninterested in you and there is nothing you can do to change that – the best choice you can make is to move on and walk away.

What sort of self esteem do you have? In class we received a handout that contained a list of all the different symptoms of individuals who have low self esteem, and as it turns out there is quite a few characteristics. See if any of these can be associated with you.

Symptoms and Signals of Low Self Esteem

• Dependency and need for approval from others
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Comparing yourself unfavorably to others
• Fear of speaking up for yourself
• Lack of confidence
• Unhappiness
• Feeling unworthy of love
• Inner feelings of incompleteness or emptiness
• Self doubt
• Self hatred
• Sense of shame
• Believing you’re not okay unless you’re in a relationship
• Feelings of insecurity and insignificance
• Violating your own values out of fear of what others think
• Too eager to please and follow others
• Tendency to focus on what’s lacking rather than what is
• Trivializing your skills, knowledge, gifts, and achievements
• Giving credit to others but not to yourself
• Giving more importance to other’s criticisms than to compliments
• Putting yourself down
• Low achievement
• Hostility towards others
• Feelings of apathy, helplessness, powerlessness and isolation

There are a few interesting items on this list that I would like to talk about. Low achievement, feelings of incompleteness or emptiness, and tendency to focus on what’s lacking rather than what is.

Those three things tie in directly with what we know to be the Law of Attraction, where like attracts like and all of the things that of course go with it. But that is not really my point. It comes back to a sort of question that involves the sort of “chicken or the egg” dilemma. If you have low levels of achievement in whatever it is you do, this list essentially says that you probably have low self esteem. If you feel empty, incomplete, or you’re upset about what you don’t have, then again – you’re likely to have low self esteem. If you are depressed, or vice versa, you are likely to have low self esteem.

The opposite might also be true however when these items are given an inverse. If you have low self esteem, you may have low achievement. If you have low self esteem, you may be focusing on what’s lacking rather than what is. Whatever the case when it comes to self esteem and success, it is important that all of these concepts can be flipped to mirror what you are currently accomplishing or setting out to achieve.

A very good friend of mine recently remarked that he considers himself a failure simply because he is not in school anymore. I tried to point out to him that not everyone who is successful went to college, and many of the greatest minds in history were not college educated. Entrepreneurs and brilliant people who get involved in their own independent marketing/selling projects and end up earning a huge amount of money are not always college educated. Resourcefulness and adaptability go far beyond what your academic degree dictates. This is a fact that I know not only should make him feel better, but it is a fact that I have researched extensively and I know to be true.

He replied to me, “Well it is all in the eye of the beholder. I’m the beholder and I consider myself a failure.”

You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. All throughout any sort of struggles I have had, I have always fallen back to what I knew to be possible. Perhaps for some, it is easier to have a sort of undying faith in the future possibility for attaining any sort of greatness. In the back of my mind, I have always held out hope in my times of darkness. I have always had a lingering dream or desire that things will improve, and I think that when people start looking deep into themselves to understand that is about the same time that they can begin to improve their own self outlook.

Could this friend have low self esteem? Yes. In fact, he has even admitted so. The whole thing is a bit confusing, though. If someone has low self esteem, and they know it, are they not then empowered to do something about it?  Well, I’m not here to judge, but I know that when I imagine myself, I have always been empowered upon realizing my own feelings to then change them.

When you have high self esteem, you likely have high self confidence, and self confidence is highly important.  Have you ever met a business CEO who was highly anxious, not very confident, and uncertain about what to say to you, even from the start?  I know I haven’t!  A part of any successful person in the business world is that they are sure of what it is they’re saying, doing, and thinking.  Not only is this the way it is, this is definitely the way it should be, especially in the publicly held corporations.  I’m not talking about the guy who owns the fruit stand downtown or the snake oil salesman, I’m talking about the guys earning six figures who also have staggering levels of personal wealth.

Identity and how self esteem ties into that is so vitally important it can literally cause you to miss opportunities, give bad impressions, and disrupt situations that normally would go smoothly or that you would gain benefit from.  So whatever you do, feel good about you, it’s good for you!

Now, there are entire books written on the subject of social networking, even on a personal level. But lately, I’ve been spending a number of nights out late and having fun with friends. When I come back to sit down and write for the blog, I get to thinking about the mechanics of it all. And that is really what this is about. Do you want to have fun? Do you have a business situation that involves a particular group that may be your clientele, or potential clientele? This is the kind of methodology I have been examining. So, if your goal is to somehow work the networks of Hollywood to meet Tom Cruise in person or something like that, you’re looking in the wrong place. Otherwise, read on.

Some Words About a Little Thing Called Self Esteem

Your self esteem is probably the most important part of being “the man” in any given situation or in the middle of any social group. But being the top notch guy who is number one on everybody’s list should not be your goal. Due to the constant competitive nature of any group dynamic, this is something that simply will not happen. It is unrealistic to pursue the top position at all times, and, as I will also point out: not tactful either.

Instead, you should be making a goal to be in harmony with any group, but still be the one who is leading the direction of the whole process. Some people might wonder why it is so important to do this, and for me, I would say that the benefits of it are simply too great to ignore. Just remember this: a strong positive self direction will also equate to a strong positive group direction. If you feel good about yourself, feel good about what you’re doing, and you let that very energy show then you will find the group growing warmly attached to that.

Self esteem is also important in different situations in terms of holding your ground. To create true value, the real truth in doing so is that you must follow some of those philosophical ideas that the jocks in high school could never really get their hands on. Follow the golden rule to a large degree and treat others as you wish to be treated. Or to be more specific: do not be the cool guy(who is not really cool) and work together with other people to reject someone from the group for bad reasons.

Rejection, no matter if it is provoked or something that simply happens as a side effect of something somewhere, just sucks. In fact, I have even read that there was a study done where they did an MRI graphing on someone who was thinking about being rejected romantically and the same areas of the brain involved in physical pain were actually lighting up. That means that, quite literally, rejection hurts.

Whether you are talking about a group of three people or a group of twenty people, there is too strong a chance that someone in the group will later have the ability to diminish your value by pointing out your advocacy for singling out people and excluding them, or a variety of other bad scenarios. If you find that there is a group where rejection is the ‘cool thing’ do everyone a favor and you reject that group for being idiots. Hanging out with them will ultimately diminish your value.

All of that aside, it can be pretty frustrating that I even have to justify behaving in such a way as to show tolerance and acceptance to others, as morally it is kind of obvious. But just to be sure and just to reinforce the point here – it is maladaptive, or bad for you, to exclude anyone. Does this mean you have to give everyone an equal amount of attention or you always have to be giving them rewards? No, of course not, as this is not a natural thing to do anyway, nor would it probably even be possible.

Feel good about yourself, and take empathy with those around you. That is the first, fundamental step, about social group harmony.

“Working Your Way In”

Over time, I have learned many tricks and tools that allow me to basically appear out of the blue and work my way into a group. The thing is, not every group is going to be responsive to you, and that is okay. Not every group has things in common with you, and more importantly: you probably don’t have much of anything in common with them either. An important component to all of this is to always be thinking in terms of multiple perspectives – what are they thinking? In a one on one situation, another person might have all the same worries as you. In a group, the tendency is to protect the familiar and reject anything that may be different for fear of what it will do to the establishment, no matter how small the group.

Have you ever heard the quote from Shakespeare, “all of the world is a stage?” Well, it is really is quite true. Anywhere you go, whether you realize it or not, you are basically selling something. In the case of normal social groups and perhaps the situation of just going out for a good time, you are indeed selling yourself. The big goal, whether we are talking about romance or not, is to create attraction. If you are a fun person, other people who either consider themselves fun or people who just want to have fun are likely going to be attracted to you if you have created that perception with them.

I suppose a good hint I can give you is to simply take whatever the overall ‘vibe’ of the group is and then amplify it within yourself. If the volume is quiet, speak just a tiny bit loud. If the laughing is constant, be the person to laugh a little more hysterically, or, you could also go in the other direction and laugh a little less. Tweak your actions and options and see how the group responds. Everything you do in social interaction of any kind should always be thrown out in action, then watch from a neutral perspective to measure the results.

There are literally entire books written on the subject of “the approach” and most of it is all written in the scope of a romantic context. But the approach is very important; you want to follow the common rules of manners and etiquette, as well as use those to your advantage. If you approach a group of strangers and seem to get a positive response from one person but a negative response from another, take sides with the positive person as if you have known them forever and say something to the effect of, “so what’s their problem?” Carry on the conversation as if nothing off is happening at all, and you may be surprised how often you will land on your feet.

When it comes to getting to know new people, male or female, the whole idea is to be tactical. Use social tactics to counter their attempts at rejection or blow offs. Examine group dynamics, forget your self confidence and simply focus on what is happening and why. It is interesting to note that the day you forget your self confidence in order to pursue the mechanics of the situation is the same day your self confidence will increase naturally due to your increased success.

Don’t Burn Yourself Out

If you are like me, you are in big trouble if you like doing nights out and spending time with a large amount of people all the time. It gets tiring, and it gets tiring fast, because when you are spending a lot of energy on examining the small details, it is easy to burn yourself out. At the same time, I would recommend that you also do not simply be too lazy or idle about the entire situation either. If you are a shy person who is wanting to break themselves out of shyness, then you may want to start spending four nights a week out on the town meeting new people. Start making strong goals that push yourself, but do not overdo it to the point where your anxiety takes over and kills you. Of course, I know I probably don’t really have to say this, but it is a good idea to not let your social life get in the way of your work or school schedule (who am I, your mother?). Four nights a week is very strong, however, and after doing this for a consecutive month you may want to take a step back and do about two or three nights a week instead.

Today’s Question: Who should pay on a first date?

Answer: In the modern age, the concept of chivalry and the whole 1950′s gentleman is quickly fading – some guys consider it customary to simply pay for the girl, dinner tab, tip, and all. I say you split the bill exactly 50/50, and here’s why…

No matter what you are doing, neither one of you owe anything to each other. If you are out on a date, you are there to figure out if either one of you has value to the other person in terms of whatever it is you are looking for out of that relationship. Why is it, then, that the guy should pay for the girl? Well, I know that a lot of girls will say it is the right thing to do, and of course they would say that, wouldn’t they? They’re not paying the bill! Each person should instead pay their own way, because, quite mathematically, this is the only fair thing to do.

But how about you? What do you think? Feel free to comment!

Much of this really all comes down to what you believe, but here is the ironic and negative part: it is actually left to the guy. So, even if women enjoyed the idea of it being customary for the guy to pay, it is actually his choice, because of the cultural standard that has been imposed many places, how the bill is split. On the other hand, you can be rest assured that the female will not likely be paying it all by her lonesome.