Scott Free Thinking

As far as I can tell, I do not think there are a whole lot of people that would debate the idea that it is a beneficial thing to start leveraging the capabilities of a strong social network. I talked about this before recently in an article entitled Creating Value in Your Social Identity. For all intensive purposes, I would like you to consider this to not simply be a mere continuation of that article, but rather, an expansive addition that will dive into some of the nitty gritty details of both how to perform these concepts on a practical level as well as the clear cut results of such a thing.

Now, there are entire books written on the subject of social networking, even on a personal level. But lately, I’ve been spending a number of nights out late and having fun with friends. When I come back to sit down and write for the blog, I get to thinking about the mechanics of it all. And that is really what this is about. Do you want to have fun? Do you have a business situation that involves a particular group that may be your clientele, or potential clientele? This is the kind of methodology I have been examining. So, if your goal is to somehow work the networks of Hollywood to meet Tom Cruise in person or something like that, you’re looking in the wrong place. Otherwise, read on.

Some Words About a Little Thing Called Self Esteem

Your self esteem is probably the most important part of being “the man” in any given situation or in the middle of any social group. But being the top notch guy who is number one on everybody’s list should not be your goal. Due to the constant competitive nature of any group dynamic, this is something that simply will not happen. It is unrealistic to pursue the top position at all times, and, as I will also point out: not tactful either.

Instead, you should be making a goal to be in harmony with any group, but still be the one who is leading the direction of the whole process. Some people might wonder why it is so important to do this, and for me, I would say that the benefits of it are simply too great to ignore. Just remember this: a strong positive self direction will also equate to a strong positive group direction. If you feel good about yourself, feel good about what you’re doing, and you let that very energy show then you will find the group growing warmly attached to that.

Self esteem is also important in different situations in terms of holding your ground. To create true value, the real truth in doing so is that you must follow some of those philosophical ideas that the jocks in high school could never really get their hands on. Follow the golden rule to a large degree and treat others as you wish to be treated. Or to be more specific: do not be the cool guy(who is not really cool) and work together with other people to reject someone from the group for bad reasons.

Rejection, no matter if it is provoked or something that simply happens as a side effect of something somewhere, just sucks. In fact, I have even read that there was a study done where they did an MRI graphing on someone who was thinking about being rejected romantically and the same areas of the brain involved in physical pain were actually lighting up. That means that, quite literally, rejection hurts.

Whether you are talking about a group of three people or a group of twenty people, there is too strong a chance that someone in the group will later have the ability to diminish your value by pointing out your advocacy for singling out people and excluding them, or a variety of other bad scenarios. If you find that there is a group where rejection is the ‘cool thing’ do everyone a favor and you reject that group for being idiots. Hanging out with them will ultimately diminish your value.

All of that aside, it can be pretty frustrating that I even have to justify behaving in such a way as to show tolerance and acceptance to others, as morally it is kind of obvious. But just to be sure and just to reinforce the point here - it is maladaptive, or bad for you, to exclude anyone. Does this mean you have to give everyone an equal amount of attention or you always have to be giving them rewards? No, of course not, as this is not a natural thing to do anyway, nor would it probably even be possible.

Feel good about yourself, and take empathy with those around you. That is the first, fundamental step, about social group harmony.

“Working Your Way In”

Over time, I have learned many tricks and tools that allow me to basically appear out of the blue and work my way into a group. The thing is, not every group is going to be responsive to you, and that is okay. Not every group has things in common with you, and more importantly: you probably don’t have much of anything in common with them either. An important component to all of this is to always be thinking in terms of multiple perspectives - what are they thinking? In a one on one situation, another person might have all the same worries as you. In a group, the tendency is to protect the familiar and reject anything that may be different for fear of what it will do to the establishment, no matter how small the group.

Have you ever heard the quote from Shakespeare, “all of the world is a stage?” Well, it is really is quite true. Anywhere you go, whether you realize it or not, you are basically selling something. In the case of normal social groups and perhaps the situation of just going out for a good time, you are indeed selling yourself. The big goal, whether we are talking about romance or not, is to create attraction. If you are a fun person, other people who either consider themselves fun or people who just want to have fun are likely going to be attracted to you if you have created that perception with them.

I suppose a good hint I can give you is to simply take whatever the overall ‘vibe’ of the group is and then amplify it within yourself. If the volume is quiet, speak just a tiny bit loud. If the laughing is constant, be the person to laugh a little more hysterically, or, you could also go in the other direction and laugh a little less. Tweak your actions and options and see how the group responds. Everything you do in social interaction of any kind should always be thrown out in action, then watch from a neutral perspective to measure the results.

There are literally entire books written on the subject of “the approach” and most of it is all written in the scope of a romantic context. But the approach is very important; you want to follow the common rules of manners and etiquette, as well as use those to your advantage. If you approach a group of strangers and seem to get a positive response from one person but a negative response from another, take sides with the positive person as if you have known them forever and say something to the effect of, “so what’s their problem?” Carry on the conversation as if nothing off is happening at all, and you may be surprised how often you will land on your feet.

When it comes to getting to know new people, male or female, the whole idea is to be tactical. Use social tactics to counter their attempts at rejection or blow offs. Examine group dynamics, forget your self confidence and simply focus on what is happening and why. It is interesting to note that the day you forget your self confidence in order to pursue the mechanics of the situation is the same day your self confidence will increase naturally due to your increased success.

Don’t Burn Yourself Out

If you are like me, you are in big trouble if you like doing nights out and spending time with a large amount of people all the time. It gets tiring, and it gets tiring fast, because when you are spending a lot of energy on examining the small details, it is easy to burn yourself out. At the same time, I would recommend that you also do not simply be too lazy or idle about the entire situation either. If you are a shy person who is wanting to break themselves out of shyness, then you may want to start spending four nights a week out on the town meeting new people. Start making strong goals that push yourself, but do not overdo it to the point where your anxiety takes over and kills you. Of course, I know I probably don’t really have to say this, but it is a good idea to not let your social life get in the way of your work or school schedule (who am I, your mother?). Four nights a week is very strong, however, and after doing this for a consecutive month you may want to take a step back and do about two or three nights a week instead.