Scott Free Thinking

Before we go rushing into things, it is important to note that your most potent center of power comes from within yourself. Your outlook, your perspective, your attitudes - these sorts of things determine whether or not you are going to be liked by anyone, namely yourself. I know we’ve all heard the typical saying before of how it might be lame and corny to just say that nothing else is more important than how we feel about ourselves on the inside instead of what others think, but it’s true! Social value is something that is extremely important, however, in that it can make or break certain aspects of your quality of life. If you have friends but they are always making fun of you all the time, what kind of friends are those? What sort of value do they likely see in you? I’m fortunate enough to have a very close group of friends who I’ve known for a pretty long time now. In fact, we have become so close over time that we almost form a very distinct identity as a group, not just as individuals.

In any case, I have to say that the great friends I have now didn’t show up by chance, and they also haven’t always been there in the past. Much of what I went through to get from being friends with ‘mediocre people’ to ‘great people’ was a painful process, to say the least. But what I recently thought about, and realized, is that there are portions of these other people’s lives that I simply cannot fully understand. The way that society should operate in terms of how people interact with each other and the social rules we follow as opposed to how it actually is are too very different things. While some people think showing up at a party to get drunk and get laid is the lowest, mindless form of entertainment and even morally wrong, other people consider that the prime way to “have a good time.” Sometimes, under investigation, it might even seem that neither party is wrong from their point of view. The truth is, people label you with a degree of value.

It is incredible how easily we can think about others and label them on a scale of 1 to 10. Guys do it all the time with girls, and in fact, it has even become part of popular culture. “That girl’s a 9,” a guy might say about an incredibly attractive, but not quite perfect, girl who he sees at a distance. In the back of our minds we probably have an ideal version of what people are supposed to be, and when they don’t meet that expectation then we lower our label of value on them. If you’re a person with ’strong moral foundations’ as society commonly dictates, you will not want to be friends with a person who is self destructive, does drugs, has promiscuous relationships, or engages in other ‘risky behaviors.’ These sorts of things, overall, can effectively lower your value in the eyes of others.

Social value is important, however, because without it we are forced to suffer through additional hardships than are necessary. This is the entire way ‘peer pressure’ works. A group can unite to change a single person and if that person wants to stick with the group, then they are forced to change. For whatever reason, all through high school this is what the basis for social cliques was. But cliques actually continue long after high school. The question is who holds the influence in the social dynamic of a group - is it you, or is it the guy that thinks everyone should be wearing a certain brand of shoes? No offense to the shoe enthusiasts.

Most of my best friends and how we have come to know each other is based on the idea that we should not be rejecting any one individual from the group unless they are annoying or otherwise have some other negative trait that will get on our last nerve. Clothes and how much money they make is not one of them, and this is actually the case with most social groups. To whatever degree we can, we will fall in love with the key points of any one person’s character, their personality, and how it gives an additional spin to the group itself. Value created in this way is probably one of the most important forms of value you can possibly have - value created to further a group’s social diversity.

So how do we create value? Value is something that is created not just off of the words we say, but the actions we take. On a very literal level, you could say anything at all but if your body language does not match your words then you are subsequently doomed to failure with whatever intent those words carried.

The first important thing I want to emphasize here is that males and females have two completely different systems for evaluating value in their peers and cohorts. Males operate a system that typically will revolve around what is called the alpha male. The concept of the alpha male has gained relevance in popular culture over time in the media and in social groups for good reason - it is something that actually exists. The alpha male is the member of a group of guys that often acts as a natural leader of the pack. Like many things in social interaction, this goes back into ancient history.

The alpha male is determined by a number of factors. In my experience, what matters most in determining who will be the alpha male is the person who takes the most initiative with activities, is the most outgoing, has the most clever wit, dresses with the best clothes, and in high school it was the guy with the best looking girlfriend. These things change over time, however. As people age, different characteristics are valued over others. For instance, out of high school, fewer guys seem to care about who has a girlfriend or who has the best looking girlfriend because life has taken over and dictated more important matters. Nevermind the best-looking-girl issue, who is going to be the first lucky(or unlucky) soul to get married and have a family? Who will have the most successful career and earn the most money?

Money has an influence on everything, of course, but money is nothing in the course of creating social value if the aspect of money is not used properly or if another with less money is more innovative. Clothes also have little influence if other important factors cannot take place first. For instance, you may be able to wear $1000 in expensive clothes but if you sit in a corner alone and do not talk to anyone, no one will care or even notice how nice your clothes are. They will simply notice a guy who looks lonely and antisocial, an outcast. What takes precedent over all of the external factors are the internal factors, and how you operate from your core.

As you can see the general theme here has to do with dominance, and dominance is actually going to apply to both genders, the only difference being that females do not really have anything like ‘alpha females.’ Instead, females operate off of more complex linguistic communication. In so many words, we can be told to leave, told we’re ugly, or told we’re not wanted without her having to say a single thing that is rude or apparently mean at all. In essence, most groups of females are able to operate purely off of the subtle rules of social interaction that are at play beneath the surface.

Whatever gender you are, here are some universal traits that will help to raise your value in the eyes of others.

Be outgoing. The fact of the matter is, whether you are male or female, a common view in society is that between the person who settles into an individual group of people until they are forced to find others and the person who is always actively getting to know new people is that the ladder is preferable. It is considered an indicator of mental health and compassion if you are constantly expanding your social circle and are friendly with virtually everyone you meet. By being outgoing, you are actually working another aspect of social value, which is social networking. Social networking allows you to actually build a sort of strength via reputation. If a large group of people know who you are it allows you to get your foot in the door in more areas than you normally would. “It’s not what you do, it’s who you know.”

In new groups and in meeting new people, always elevate your energy just slightly above the rest. Or in other words, always have just a tad more enthusiasm than the people you are talking to. What this does is this shows that not only are you confident, but by having slightly more energy you are going to be able to lead the attention of a group or person prominently. If you can do this, you might become known as “the life of the party.” Elevating your energy level and enthusiasm just slightly above the rest causes attraction from the group members. In fact, the very act of enthusiasm is so powerful that you can actually explain virtually any story, even a story that is seemingly about nothing, and make it seem fascinating. One day I actually was talking with my friends Lupe and Heather and demonstrated this by talking about cracks in the cement on the ground. I even got laughs just off of seeming energetic and seeming as though I myself were fascinated with the gaps in concrete. Essentially enthusiasm is speaking with a bit more emphasis on your words than the others, speaking slower or faster than usual, carrying pauses in between interesting points of sentences, and generally being just more expressive with your movements.

Smile! Smiling is very underrated these days, and for some people, even me - it’s a challenge. Smiling when no one is around may actually be more important than smiling while you’re in a situation because it can create an opener for conversation. “What are you grinning about?” Another part of this is being funny. If you tell stories, always remember to have fun with it and maintain a sense of humor. Of course, there is such a thing as going overboard. You do not want to try and be funny because then it will just appear as if you are blatantly and desperately trying to fit in. Never say a single word unless you have a legitimate reason behind saying it. On a similar note, do not make jokes on sensitive subject matter.

As much as I hate saying it, be polite, please. Manners and etiquette, unfortunately, have not completely lost their value. You will gain a distinct advantage if you treat others with a thick amount of polite manners and respect. This does not necessarily mean calling every guy sir and every girl ma’am. It simply means that you follow the rules and also expect others to follow them. If a friend comes along to a person you’re talking to and they start turning away to have their own conversation you’re allowed to chime in and say something along the lines of, “And who is this I’m being introduced to?” Reminding people of ‘the rules’ will create an obligation in everyone’s favor.

Take care of yourself and appear healthy. And finally, we will not forget to mention the importance of taking care of yourself. If you do not have the money to be social and go out places with other people, you need to make the financial part of your life a priority. You should always make an effort to keep up your appearance: keep your hair styled, your eyebrows tweezed, your skin shaved - whatever it is you do. Exercise and work on developing a better body frame. A strong and attractive physical appearance can work a world of wonders for you, and of course, that’s especially true if you’re female. A key point here is to wear clothes that are just a little bit nicer than those in your immediate social group, as this goes with the whole ‘dominance’ concept. All in all, maintain your appearance and make sure that your appearance is also congruent with your personality. Do not put on something bizarre like a trench coat and sunglasses when you’re not Neo(sorry, Matrix reference), or whatever it is you’re wanting to appear as. The best option as far as clothes go is to wear things that are more ‘casual formal’ most of the time but still highlight your personality and strong features.

Some of you who have read all of this might want to disagree with a lot of these points. Before you do, I want to let you know that this stuff comes from a lot of personally tested experience, and much of it has a very scientific approach backing it. It’s already been proven in studies the effects of how you dress affects the perceptions of others, along with health indicators. You may have personally experienced the power of manners & etiquette in the past yourself. Smiling is proven to improve your image, and as for the rest - there is an ongoing study of the world’s social dynamics that is happening all the time in the scientific community. Keep researching and always keep learning.

But is the world really so superficial? Sadly, it appears it may be. What is there that we can do about it? Well, you can do one of two things. You can either a.) start breaking the rules for change and face the inevitable consequences or b.) shut your mouth and gain the benefits. It is easy to see what option most people choose, and why. Then again, I’d say there is also an approach to take that is honest with all of this as well. Be yourself and simply use these components as tools. You do not have to be dishonest, you simply have to play to the tune of others in order to resonate with them. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that a positive attitude will raise your value as well?