Scott Free Thinking

What is a key to great relationships? The answer might be great communication, and in terms of that, we also come to the issue of emotional intelligence. Very recently I had the experience of talking to someone who has an issue with getting their emotional baggage out onto the table. It is a simple idea - express what you feel when you feel it. For some of us, this may not always be the easiest thing in the world to do. I think everyone, at one point or another, if even for only curiosity’s sake, has experimented with “holding in” their emotions until a time when they no longer can.

The result is an unfortunate explosion of anger or outrage that often makes things worse than if the emotions would have been shown and let out early on before a build up took place. What makes matters even worse in a situation like this is that when you hold in your feelings, your feelings will often reach critical mass, to the point of a higher intensity in that you will feel that emotional climax all at once, rather than in small tiny percentages as you let it out during all of the short term periods.

The interesting thing about the nature of emotional build up, is that it is something that can happen right underneath the area of your immediate awareness. So while some of us may be able to handle letting things out when we feel them, others of us may even convince ourselves that we’re handling our emotions the right way, when in reality we are actually not. Some people may not think that this sounds too likely, but if you are one of those people yourself, I would ask that you consider an example.

I was recently trying to do work as a salesman, and during that experience I noticed that if you are wanting to do something terribly difficult, like door-to-door sales or cold approaches, something happens. Before you even fully approach someone, you will notice yourself making bizarre excuses mentally for not approaching someone or not going to a particular door. And really, most of it stems from conditional programming that says that you should simply not bother people. Experiencing emotional constipation stems from the same concept, and is equally deceiving to oneself.

If you are under the impression that holding in your emotions is not really that big of a deal and that not much can come out of it, consider another idea. Virtually all illnesses in the human body result from stress in one form or another. Back pain, some physicians say, is almost entirely psychological. It has already been proven before that your overall emotional state and state of stress can affect your health. Similarly, stress and emotion can interact with one another, influencing each other to elevate or decrease accordingly.

Your emotions actually affect your health. Your body and your mind have a way of automatically coping with these chemical responses we call emotions, however, the only problem is that often times the automatic way is the wrong way. Your mind and body will perceive retaining it as a simple and effective solution, when in reality the emotion will simply turn to another form of stress, build up and wreak havoc on your inner self. Then, when the timing is right, it will veer its ugly head in your mood one day, often without you suspecting it.

The big answer to deal with this problem is get it out! If you’re having problems in a relationship, express how you feel to that person. Do not hold it in, thinking that the problem will go away. If there is something bothering you about something they have done or something that they have said, again - tell them. If it bothers you a lot, then tell them with that particular tone. Let the emotion gush out of your every pore. This is probably one of the only actions that you can take that would not be considered a ‘defense mechanism.’

I have talked about defense mechanisms before in my article, Preventing & Overcoming Procrastination. Essentially, there is a problem with the entire idea of defense mechanisms. First, let me go through a short list of common defense mechanisms, and you might be surprised to find one or two you have already used yourself.

• Displacement - the common tendency to shift your emotional outlet to something other than what initially triggered it. The most basic example would be being angry at one person and taking it out on another.
• Sublimation - Sublimation is the outlet of emotions into some largely creative form, like music or poetry. While sublimation is considered a ‘defense mechanism,’ a creative action linked to emotional outlet is often only considered sublimation if it is beneficial to society in some way. Often times, sublimation can also be beneficial for the self. See Sublimation Through Music & The Science of Music.
• Repression - Similar to the very first step of displacement. Rather than letting out the emotion anywhere, however, it is simply held in. The result is that the subconscious will then begin influencing conscious behavior. Multiple personality disorder is sometimes caused by cases of extreme abuse and emotional repression during early childhood.
• Somatisation - Somatisation is the very idea we have been talking about in regards to how stress can effect the body. It is the manifestation of a physical effect certain painful mental processes can have on the actual physical body.

The problem that I have talked about before is the subjective nature of the mind. Like many things in the field of psychology, I feel that defense mechanisms are candidly mislabeled. Because part of what we see happening in the very definition of certain defense mechanisms are natural processes that the body carries out in its efforts to cope with the chemical process of emotion itself. It is not so much “defense” as it is the body’s simple reaction.

If you put poison into someone, then they will react to that poison. If you put pepper under one’s nose, then you just might get a sneeze. Emotional processes work similarly, but under a subjective model. There are a number of things that can happen but a person’s perception and subsequent action in relation to a stimulus will determine what happens with the emotion. Perhaps the real justification for calling such things ‘defense mechanisms’ is to let everyone know that their own emotional and mental state is in their own hands.

The conclusion has been reached time and time again by certain scientists and experts that your mental state is under your control. Popular psychologists and experts have either suggested or implied this idea, including such people as far back as Carl Jung all the way to present day psychologists like Albert Bandura, Howard Gardener, or the famous Abraham Maslow. Virtually every expert on personal development, people like Tony Robbins or Steve Pavlina, would also likely agree that your emotions, and how you react to those emotions, is also under your control.

Having said that, we really must decide that when it comes to our feelings, it is best to let them out a little bit at a time than to wait for that ultimate explosion of disaster that awaits if we allow an emotional build up. If there are people around you that you do not like and you do not want to spend time with - let them know and get away from them. If there are things that are bothering you, perhaps there is a situation you feel you do not belong in, express it! Your very health depends on it, and your conscience will thank you.