Scott Free Thinking

Many of us out there have a hard time starting relationships, and then also there’s that even greater challenge: maintaining one. Maybe you yourself are here to figure out more of what to do when it comes to starting relationships, or perhaps starting them is no problem, but you’re looking for better relationships to get into. Maybe you’re entirely new to romantic relationships and you’d like to figure out where and how to start. Or, perhaps you’ve been following this blog for a long time and you’re just along for the ride.

Whatever the case, let me start by saying that if you are a guy looking to get with a girl, we have a significantly different situation than if you are a girl looking to get with a guy. I’m going to talk about both sides in the extent that I will highlight some universal concepts that will aid anyone in starting great relationships. Before I go into the meat of this, I will also explain some of my experience with relationships. The longest time I’ve ever been in a relationship, is 2 years, and it happened twice. I’m a guy who knows how to hold long term relationships to at least an extent, and I’ve gotten into enough relationships to consider myself savvy in having some advice as to how, where, when, and why to get into them.

Why should I get into a relationship in the first place?

There are a number of ways to go about getting into a new relationship. The first thing you probably want to ask yourself right now, though, is where am I right now, and where am I coming from? What is your reason for going out and finding that special someone? One thing that many people do that presents problems to them, is going out to start relationships for the wrong reason. For me, I remember my interest in sex was intense as an adolescent, and of course, many women will make a terribly accurate claim that guys in high school all the way through much of college, or guys in their early 20’s, are often times entirely sex-crazed. I’m currently living between two houses, one with my girlfriend Kim, and the other the house I’ve lived in with my parents for the past several years. But I can tell you that just over here at Kim’s house, I’ve heard her mom and her mom’s friends talk about dating in a way I completely don’t agree with. Both guys and girls are getting into relationships purely for their ‘physical needs,’ and are somehow expecting to avoid emotional attachment, and “just have fun.”

To try and get into relationships in this way, is a terrible mistake. Don’t do it. Do not believe that you are at a point in your life where you are “strong enough,” or strong willed enough, or whatever it is - that you can somehow avoid deep emotional attachment from a relationship that is based purely on physicality. Is this to say that people do not have fun flings all the time, every day, in every part of the world? Of course it happens, and I am not saying it won’t happen, I’m just saying that it can be very tricky to assure that it will happen without a doubt.

You also should never get into relationships that are to kill the pain of your previous relationships purely for the sake of taking your mind off of it. Some people would disagree with me here, but in terms of emotional intelligence, to do this is to kill your emotional soul. I’ve gone out with at least more than one girl I can think of who dumped me because they were “afraid of committment,” even when they had first talked to me they had intitially told me that’s exactly what they were looking for. This entire behavior pattern of getting into a new high to kill an old pain resembles addiction and codependence. Remember that before any relationship you were ever in, you were born BY YOURSELF, and your were your own person before anyone you were ever with came along.

Should you get into new relationships by examining potential partners’ personalities? Should you start dating? If you want to start dating, should you be doing speed dating, or should you be doing matching programs online? Should you do blind dates? What if you shouldn’t date at all? How do you approach someone you see in public? How do you open a good conversation with someone? How do you know the other person is interested? Should you care about the appearance of whoever it is you’re going after? These are all very good questions.

Should I go on dates or do the ‘cold approach?’ What other options are there?

For me, I have not ever preferred to actually go on dates. I hold the belief that dates are simply too simplistic, do not give you enough information, and also tend to have people WHO date, acting in a way that is not quite as central to who they really are at heart than if you were to find them living their lives on the streets of the city. Who is going to be more prepared to be honest and open with you, or prepared for a romantic encounter - someone who is reading a book in the library, or someone you’ve met through a dating service and are now dressing up to go out to dinner with? Some would disagree, and people have varying degrees of success with dating, but for me, I have personally found that you can filter all of the timid girls who are too scared to take a chance if you do a “cold approach,” than if you set up a date where they’re given hours to do their hair, pick the right outfit, and usually, girls are given full control over where to eat, where to go, what to do, and meanwhile the guy in typical American culture can easily be left with the paycheck. Guys - say no thanks. Ladies - pay for your own food.

A friend and coworker of mine who I run my production company with, his name is Stephen Wolfe, has a different outlook than I do when it comes to approaching girls for dates, or to get to know them in general. We have had many conversations about our experiences with what works best for going up to girls and then eventually ending up with them romantically, and over time we have disagreed on a few points. Stephen likes to “network” his way into new relationships. He will work through his social network, getting to know people around the person he desires to know, and then through that persons’ friends, or even their friends’ friends, he will eventually come to know the person, or often the girl. After a couple years of some very bizarre occurrences and frustrating experiences I’ve had with my “cold approaches,” Stephen has done almost nothing but laugh at the idea for the past year or so. Just what on earth is Scott thinking going up to a girl he has never had any direct or indirect enounter with, ever, and trying to get her number?

Again, it all depends on your philosophy. Think about all of the girls that you weed out who are either too timid to talk to you, or don’t have the heart to give you the time of day. The sad part of it - most of them will turn you away and turn you down, the positive part of it is - you get only the best, boldest, smartest, and most attractive girls for you for every single one that stays to speak with you upon introducing yourself from out of the blue.

Having not yet had any experience with dating, I will not spend any time talking about any advantages or disadvantages to the concept really, but I will just point out that for some, dating is ideal, for others, it’s a nightmare. Feel free to take your chances with it, and if you’re female - it’s probably your best bet. Guys approaching girls is a very common and expected occurrence these days in society, girls approaching guys is not so much, even though in the past two decades it has become more acceptable.

What do I want out of a relationship?

You have also got to ask yourself - what do you want out of a relationship? What possibilities have you considered?

Do you have an entirely open mind about the kind of person who would fit well with you, or are you very narrow in what you’re looking for, not wanting to settle for anything “less” than what fits your ideal image of a mate? Either mindset is okay to have, but I want you to really sit down and take some time to think about this. You may want to even sit down for 20 minutes or so and comtemplate what it is specifically you’re truly looking for out of a relationship. You might even take a pen and paper, make an exact list of characteristics you’re looking for in the other person, your long term goals with your relationship(s), and so on.

Similar to an activity like reading and studying, or working on a particular project of any kind, one of the most important aspects of it all is your purpose for doing whatever it is you are doing. This is why knowing what you want is so important. If your direction is aimless in what it is you’re after, and you truly don’t know, who knows what the universe will throw at you? But a lot of people seem to do this very activity of throwing themselves out into the nothingness with little direction of where or why they’re going anywhere. Knowing what you’re looking for is very important.

If you’re new to dating, or even new to relationships, your specific wants or specific needs from a relationship do not have to be perfect. While it happens all the time in movies, there is little chance you’re going to meet your ‘true love’ the very first time you meet someone with romantic intentions. But once you at least have an idea, you put yourself in a much, much better position.

What is important when I’m having the first conversation?

After having considered all I have put in front of you here, I understand it can be a bit overwhelming to figure out how to make decisions for romantic relationships. Whether you’re on a date, or simply in person with that someone, perhaps the most important thing to really being able to get the one you want is to know how to lead their imagination, and how to erupt their emotional responses. Say, for instance, you are a guy talking to a girl. You want to build your conversation around a few points. You want to make sure that this girl is who you’re looking for, you want to find out some general information about who she is and what likes to do, and the most important thing is that you’ve got to take some risks here and there to ’spice up’ the conversation into something that will evoke intense emotion.

Think of an interesting story you’ve had yourself, or even start thinking about the more interesting times in your life. Take note of how it feels as you experience the thrill of those moments. The same feeling you’ve felt in the best, most exciting experiences you’ve ever had is the same feeling you want to try and evoke in your very first conversations. Figuring out a way to get the other person imagining that they’re already with you is very effective, and girls have been doing this forever, often without even realizing it. Kind of in a paradox, whenever a couple is not yet a couple, but is touchy-feely more than usual, this not only comes as a sign that they’re attracted to one another on a romantic level, it also could be one of them, or both of them, enacting the idea that they’re already with one another as it is. Whatever way you look at it, act “as if.”

But whatever you do, do NOT ever just make something up, lie, or be deceptive in anyway. Not only is this morally wrong, it will also ruin your integrity, but not the integrity you know yourself to have, but rather also the perceived integrity the other person sees in you. If you’re ever caught being dishonest, then the entire thing is ruined anyway. The display of your character and who you are must always shine through.

This is just the first post in going into relationships, and love. I hope that I’ve given you some very effective advice here in this first opening of this area on this site. More to come on this area in the future.