Scott Free Thinking

I often flash back to my earlier days as an individual, and with the subject of shyness, the level of experience I have in this area is definitely no different than the other topics! Just over 4 years ago in my Freshman year of high school, I was terrified to talk to hardly anyone, especially girls. Part of the reason for my being shy, however, was not a direct result of some sort of hereditary disease, though recent research has shown that it’s possible there might be certain elements within genetics that could predispose one to be “more shy.” The real reason was my perceptions of people. For some, shyness has been an issue all of their life. For others, it has become either a new issue, or is an issue long past. To those who have already overcome it, I salute you. For those wishing to get past this obstacle in their own life and are seeking a way to do it, you have come to the right place.

When I refer to the perception of other people, I’m really talking about what your overall outlook and attitude is. If your outlook and attitude is positive, it’s usually true that you’re going to have no problem being outgoing and responsive to the actions of others. If your outlook and attitude is more negative, then you are probably having some difficulty. A negative outlook on the perception of other people is not a bad thing, however, because it has protected you up until this point, and kept you from being emotionally scarred from the wide range of human actions that could have occurred. It’s true - being socially open is very dangerous, because it puts you in a state of vulnerability. For me, my old mindset on social openness happened from the very early start of childhood, where I was being picked on and kids were attempting to beat me up in elementary school over stupid things like the clothes I wore, or my haircut.

There was a lot to deal with, and often times people are not naturally shy(though some are). Most of the time the reason shyness ends up being your overall social state is because of major events that occurred early on in your development, or several minor events that eventually created your social world view. Whatever the case - there is one thing you have to go realize. Just one thing - one thing you have got to remember whether your shyness is somehow seemingly genetic, or whether your shyness developed over a time in your early development, or even your recent development. No matter what you refer to in your past, it is still your past. If it is the recent past, it is still the past, no matter how recent. The only moment you can change, the only moment you can powerfully affect, is right now.

It is important to remember that now is the only moment you have control over, because now is the time when you can begin to create change within yourself. Many of you are reading this so that you can gain some courage about talking to the opposite sex, some are reading for their own leisure, and others are reading just so they can become more outgoing in general. But how do you go about doing so? How can you change what you already are?

Perhaps the first and best answer, is to get out there! Stop sitting here and reading articles like this one. Stop hesitating. Stop procrastinating. Stop thinking about it, and just DO IT! For many, it is often the fear that they’re going to “screw something up,” that keeps them from getting out there to talk to others. Yeah, you might screw something up. But so what? When children are sitting down and learning to walk, do they give up trying to walk? Absolutely not. They know that they’re probably going to fall a few times, but they get back up and keep trying, because they know that once they get there, the rewards they will reap from being able to walk are going to be tremendous! And of course, if you can learn to walk, then there is the prospect of learning to RUN! From basic, to advanced, all of it is worth failing forward for.

Fail your way forward. Make as many mistakes as it takes. If you feel nervous while you are talking to people, feel nervous, let it be, and accept it’s there. They might notice you’re nervous, they might not. If they do notice, big deal! You’re nervous - you’ll get over it eventually. The point I’m making is - no matter what happens, it’s okay. And even if it’s not okay, just keep moving forward. Note your mistakes and try something different next time, that is all you need to do should you fail at an attempt in something. That applies not just to overcoming shyness and becoming socially proficient, that also applies to anything else that you’re doing in life.

I remember one of the things I did to overcome shyness with girls. For one thing, you can probably guess the first problem. I was afraid I was going to totally screw something up! And I did, and I continue to do so, even to this day. The key is to just keep on keeping on. It doesn’t matter if you have to go through 20 failed attempts before getting 1 - getting 5% return is actually to be expected in certain cases! A girl I had a crush on years ago had me baffled. Drop dead gorgeous, and dating guys that were not even from my same grade(she liked the slightly older types), I had no idea how to get her to even give me the time of day. Well, as it turns out, I never did get to that point, and I’m glad! The girl I got instead was the one I ended up with for 2 years straight - but I wouldn’t have got her either if I hadn’t have tried. But even the 2 year relationship ended on a bit of a sour note. Let’s face it - relationships are tough. But that is no reason to stay out of them. If anything it is a reason to practice, practice, practice as much as possible!

You might be thinking, But none of this is my problem, my real problem is having too much anxiety to move forward and say or do anything with anyone! Again, the anxiety you feel is something that can be overcome with increased sensory exposure. Throw yourself into the middle of it and force yourself to adapt to the situation. Take a chance, take a risk. When it comes to throwing yourself into the middle, I mean it almost literally. If a girl is talking with her and her friends, don’t let the friends stop you if you’re new to dating or haven’t done it a long while - just go right up to all of them and attempt something. If they look at you like you’re an idiot, laugh it off and walk away. Also remember that for every person that does not give you support - they are not worth your time of day. Do not waste any time trying to compete for people’s attention - they are competing for yours. And for every time you start thinking about what they are thinking about you, also remember that they are doing the exact same thing: wondering what you think of them.

Outside of the direct approach, which may be too overwhelming for some people, there are other options. Of course, I want to stress that the direct approach of ‘throwing yourself in the middle’ is very important, because it allows new adaptive devices to kick in that before you never realized you had, or didn’t have. It’s an important phase and before trying anything else to overcome your uneasiness with speaking frequently to others, especially those you do not know, I would recommend you to at least try it. If it becomes too much of a heart attack and you’re forced to move onto some other methods that simulate things a bit more for you first, then let us see if there are a few things you can try.

The first thing, outside of the direct approach, would be meditation, and visualization. The problem that shy people often have with visualizing an experience is that much of the time it is either too inaccurate to gauge their course of action off of, or if it is accurate, their minds explode with possibilities. They over-analyze. This is the typical thing for teenage males to do when they’re trying to think of what to say to the attractive young female. The whole debate over something tiny and mostly insignificant like whether to say hey or hi, or whether to say how are you or how are you doing? Guys, really - either way doesn’t matter that much! So do not over-analyze in your visualization. Rather, focus on what you want to happen, and envision it going perfectly. Try to leave specific words, instances, or particular ways of going about things out of the imagery - just let the end result float in your mind and then try to improvise your way there. Thinking about the situation before going into it is okay, but do not overthink the situation. Socialization is not meant to be about thinking, it’s meant to be about experience.

For those of you who frequent this site often and you are into lucid dreaming, I would highly recommend utilizing lucid dreaming as a tool in your goal. When you become lucid, create the entire experience in your dream as you imagine yourself entering it, and then walk yourself through a simulation of whatever event it is you imagine could happen. If it is a guy or girl you’re after, talk to them in the dream and get responses out of them from different things you say to get an idea of what they will be saying in your waking reality.