Scott Free Thinking

Working part time at a job of mine, someone I work with recently said a quote along the lines of, “If you’re not assertive, you’re fucked.” The statement was a bit harsh and unforgiving, and certainly I had to take a moment to consider its validity. But then I quickly realized, he was right. We were talking about an incident in which I accidentally offended someone by not introducing them at a restaurant. Because this guy was not assertive, he was left feeling lonely, left out, and like he had been shunned. It was no one’s direct intention to reject him from the group or to make him feel unwelcome. He did that on his own by failing to be assertive.

The power of assertion goes far beyond simple necessity, however. When it comes to social situations of any kind, the individual who exudes self confidence over self insecurity will prevail, even influence others around him to follow his lead. During my time this recent college semester getting up in front of classes to speak on various topics, one of which was the topic of polyamory to my social psychology class, I have learned that being fearless is equivalent to being powerful.

For many of us, fear is the element that will often stop us in our tracks and determine whether or not we are going to succeed at something. Sometimes fear can make or break greatness. Sometimes fear can just stop that little bit extra that could have broke through the surface and allowed us to move to a whole other level. If I had been afraid to speak up on polyamory, I would not have gotten applause, or questions, and most importantly: I would not have made a difference on anyone’s mind in a room filled with over 25 people.

Think about that for a moment. If you walk through your life being shy, being shunned, and letting yourself step down from the stage every single time an opportunity strikes, how many lives will you not affect positively because of that? Whether you want to go with the whole Spider-Man philosophy of “with great power comes great responsibility” or not - you’ve got to admit that passing up opportunity to create positive change is definitely a waste of perfectly amazing potential. I bet I could sit down and within half an hour think of over a dozen different memories where I’ve made a positive difference on groups of people. Would I feel differently about life if I had not stepped up to the challenge?

This very blog can be an example of that. The amount of people who have come into contact with these articles is the equivalent of more than two or three small cities - over 75,000 people have read my writing. That means that I’ve had the opportunity to get my message, or at least part of it, across to that many people. Think about how many more times I might have the chance to speak up to classrooms filled with anywhere from 20 to 30 to maybe even 40 people. Over time, the numbers begin to add up, and the difference definitely becomes cumulative.

Think about the way that some ideas get spread, or the way that some people become famous. These things happen because of assertiveness and assertion itself, not because you’re sitting idly, watching the world go by. The only way a difference gets made is by people actually taking the time to make a difference.

But wait a minute, how does this apply to YOU?

I’ll tell you exactly how this applies to you, and everyone you know. You don’t have to leave a mark on thousands or even hundreds of people. Leaving an impression, or being assertive, with just a small group of people, is all you’ve got to do. Next time you find yourself in a situation where no one is introducing you, feel free to step up and take on the duty yourself. But remember, there is no need to be bitter. You are the one in control of your own destiny, and for that reason your choices must be made with a peaceful progression. If you are the assertive one among your friends, your friends will then look to you for guidance and follow your example. If you are the assertive one in a business setting your colleagues will do the same and often elect you to be in important positions which probably offer more benefits and rewards.

The main thing about being assertive is that it is not an overall attitude or lifestyle that fits everyone. Not everyone likes having the object of choice and decision put squarely in their lap. If you’re an ignorant or stupid person, you’re probably not going to want people to put you into positions of power and choice because of your assertiveness, because then you’re liable to screw it all up, aren’t you?

On the other hand, you have to have the confidence, the belief, and you must also expend the energy, the effort to understand thoroughly: you deserve the positions and the rewards that are gained from your being assertive. No one else can do that for you. The question to ask yourself is where do you want to be? Do you want to be on the lower end, sitting passively and allowing yourself to casually take part in a team activity where you’re simply another member of the team? Or do you want to be the head member of the team, in control of the resources, actively taking control of their own destiny and their own life?

The answer you have for me might just surprise me, because I think while most people will elect to be the one actively taking control and having access to the additional resources that come with assertiveness, many people do not have the courage to actually do so when the situation comes to pass. But perhaps we should also figure something else out: why do the assertive get access to more resources in virtually any social situation?

The answer is that the assertive are seen as knowledgeable, and the knowledgeable are seen as leaders. With assertiveness comes the image of experience, and a persona of leadership. To become assertive is to declare yourself, without having to directly say so, that you are a leader, not a follower, and that those who wish to accept you will have to do so under your own terms. It’s funny, but by communicating such things by simply being those things, people will almost never attempt to oppose you in that particular kind of position. The power of a group to influence an individual might be frightening, but perhaps more frightening to me is the power of an individual to influence a group by their own confidence and assertiveness in creating their own non-worded declared form of leadership.