Scott Free Thinking

Almost every single time I blurt out the word, polyamory, people are getting confused from not knowing the meaning. Unknownst to the majority of the English-speaking population is the knowledge of the definition of that word, and thinking about it the entire thing begins to really shake me up - why has virtually no one I know thought of such a thing? Polyamory(pronounced pawlee-am-or-ree) is the activity of maintaining more than one genuinely loving romantic relationship at once, or more simply the word also translates to ‘many loves.’

Upon first hearing about the concept when I was 17 years old, I set out to examine what the talk might be all about when it comes to the topic. For one thing, there is not actually that much “talk” surrounding the idea at all. So little, in fact, that compared to monogamy polyamory can begin to seem like a very, very rare thing. One of the first places I had been provoked to think about the idea was Big Love, a television show from HBO. The show tells the story of the Hendricksons family, particularly that of Bill Hendrickson, a husband to three different wives in an old Mormon marriage setup.

The show is claimed by some to tell a believable and accurate tale of polygamy, or multiple marriages, while others claim that the show is exaggerated and misrepresents what some might call a gruesome reality behind polygamy in Utah. But that show tells a single story of a single family, and the show itself is not truly about polygamy at its core. With marriage being primarily a legal and religious arrangement between two people, I have never been too much of a fan. My curiousity became more peaked with polyamory - the simple act of having multiple relationships openly and honestly. Since the time of first looking into the idea I have had an opportunity to read up on a fair bit of literature during the past several months.

The first common point of perception for a polyamorous person to deal with when they are first speaking to others about the idea is that people will ask, “do the boyfriends/girlfriends know about each other?” The first answer, or answers(plural), is often yes, yes, and more yes to the question of who knowing what about what. In order for polyamory to work, each and every person who has a relationship with another must know about the other’s activities fully and wholly, without informational restriction.

For some, honesty is a major problem. Dishonesty is said by some to run rampant in today’s society with rising divorce rates and husband-wife affairs becoming a common topic of discussion anywhere relationships are even mentioned. Somewhere between honesty and jealousy, countless different romantic relationships are continuously destroyed. The thought behind polyamory is that with full honesty, no affair is taking place, because dishonesty is not present.

In order for such a relationship to actually work, I’ve determined that there are a few things that would have to take place.

Honesty is the single most important principle for all parties involved, including yourself. Everything among a polyamorous couple or group must be 100% honest. I cannot emphasize this enough, because with traditional social roles pressing against everyone in a major cultural influence, jealousy is easily developed from time to time. If dishonesty veers its ugly head, jealousy and resentment are even easier to appear than in a normal monogomous relationship. But honesty is not just something you have to share with your partners, honesty is something you must have with yourself. A common question everyone would ask is, are you in this for right reasons? Or another question you might ask yourself, am I living independently with my decisions, without the will of the rest of the group? Or, if you’re operating with other rules in place, am I following the rules?

And that brings me to my next point. In a monogamous couple, rules are simple, easy, and direct to follow. When you enter into the world of polyamory, on the other hand, things are no longer quite so simple or self-explanatory. You must follow the rules, whatever those rules may be. Every poly group tends to do things just a little bit differently. Some have an open relationship where individuals may freely be with whomever they wish, while others have something along the lines of an approval system or permissions.

I have talked to people I know personally about polyamory and what I have found is that whether it’s someone else explaining the concept or it’s myself, people are always asking the same questions. What many of them do not realize is that many of their questions are crafted from limited thinking, and a pessimistic, sometimes almost posessive sort of attitude toward romantic relationships. But all that aside, let’s think about the answers to some of the common questions.

What advantage would you have being polyamorous over being monogomous?

There are a number of different advantages I could think of. Number one, you learn from relationships, and if you’re having multiple relationships at a time, it is something that, when conducted properly, could easily aid in your self growth and self understanding. Every single relationship you enter can either narrow or broaden your perspective. Your personality tends to change slightly with each one you enter and exit. By having more than one relationship simultaneously, you are developing a more versatile social understanding of your partners. Another advantage would be increased physical affection from multiple places, if that floats your boat.

Having said that, there are disadvantages I can think of, which brings us to our next question and answer.

Wouldn’t your time be split between the two relationships?

Yes, it would. Time is something that, unfortunately, can only exist in limited quantities during our lifetime. Quite literally so, your time would be split between two people. Is this a disadvantage? To some, it might be, but I can also see how to others this might appear as the total opposite of a disadvantage. By splitting your time between two relationships, the typical “settling in” and isolation that tends to happen with monogomous couples cannot happen nearly as easily. The “settling in” that occurs is what often will narrow your perspective. Ever heard of the guy who has been “whipped?” Some do not realize it, but restrictive relationships will affect you both physically and mentally.

But if your time is split between two relationships, doesn’t that mean that you can only love each person only a fraction of the amount you could if you were with them exclusively?

No, it does not mean that. Love is something that, fortunately for all of us, does not exist in quantity per se, and if it did, it would only be multiplied, and not divided. Human beings are designed for powerful things, and the human mind itself is capable of far more than traditional society often gives it credit. Our capacity to love is not at all limited by a single slot that we can fill and beyond that there is no more room. This is why people can be attracted to more than one person, and one reason why affairs have happened. There are no mental, physical, or romantic limitations that permit one to one love - human beings can love more than one person at once in a loving long term relationship.

I can see men doing this, but what women would possibly be okay with this?

From my experience and what I have seen personally, more than you might think. Women are emotionally driven, and if one male is with more than one girl, each girl probably finds something romantically enthralling with that male, or at least - something deeply compassionate and caring. If a male has the adequate responsibility to carry on a polyamorous relationship, then chances are women are going to be attracted to him for reasons of confidence, security, competency, compassion, and other characteristics necessary for a successful polyamorous relationship.

How many people out there are abusing this idea and treating their partners like garbage?

This can be a tough question to answer, because abuse can take many different forms. There is a big problem with emotional abuse for polyamory, and it can be something that appears early on for those who are first trying out such a lifestyle. But there is no more potential for abuse in a polyamorous relationship, as far as I can tell, than there would be in a normal, traditional, and conventional monogomous relationship.

People may be reading this for a number of different reasons. Maybe they are curious about learning more about polyamory. Maybe you are considering becoming polyamorous yourself, or perhaps you met someone recently who is polyamorous. The general consensus that I can gather is that there is no better or worse way to carry out a relationship. These are simply different lifestyles, no better than the other, and each having their own set of characteristics.