Scott Free Thinking

It is certainly a million dollar question with the rising divorce rates across the globe, the teenage break ups so many of us experience, and how often we have relationship hang ups in our daily lives as it is. How do I manage a romantic relationship? How can I effectively maintain my love life? This was a topic I have ended up with at the end of writing Entering Healthy Romantic Relationships, but in going on to answer this question of maintaining long term relationships, I was hesitant, because many of my own relationships have been deemed miserable failures by some, and my own outlook on it, for a time, was a similar view of failure and distress. But as time went on I quickly realized the true successes of my relationships. Out of the goals I had had when getting into those relationships, I certainly had fulfilled them, and possibly then some.

At the end of the long journey I have sort of become bored with it all. Men are typically known to be very proactive, even in their old age, of pursuing women, winning them over, “having fun in the hunt.” It’s a terrible stereotype, and one I don’t feel fits me that well much of the time, especially lately. There are a huge number of guys out there, who usually are not talked about, who are shy, uncertain of what to do, and are typically considered the “nice guys,” who stay out of the entire dating/romance scene.

I am here to tell you that I was one of those guys, and I was absolutely frightened of girls several years ago whenever I had first started dating. But the thing is, even when you have acquired a large wealth of experience in getting into relationships, this does not necessarily qualify you as one to be considered proficient in maintaining romantic relationships. Even if you are not new to maintaining a relationship, you can still improve upon it, and you can still better yourself in this area, or perhaps you never got good at it even through a number of broken or failed relationships.

The First Few Months, the First Year, and Beyond

Relationships are split into different periods of time. I like to think of these periods, as far as I have experienced them, as going in a few general stages. First there is the period of time before the relationship, where you are first meeting the person and getting to know them. Then there is the very beginning day, week, or even month, where there is a thrill of excitement for getting to know the person, and then there are some common shifting phases. These phases can occur at 1-3 months into the relationship, 6 months in, a year in, 2 years in, and possibly many other points in time. And interestingly, as a relationship progresses there seem to be less and less “major” thrill points the longer a couple is together.

So if a couple is together for a few weeks, there is often a massive amount of occurrences just within that short period of time that will happen that will determine whether or not that couple was compatible. After a period of a few months, there is usually some stages that occur around this time that serve as test beds to the entire relationship. By the end of that period of time, there will have been room for some sort of emotional low or crisis to happen in either one of the couples’ lives and this is used as some sort of “test” to determine the inner feelings of the other person, usually it is the girl who does this to the guy, and it is even unintentional. At 6 months, the issue of sex often enters the relationship, and as we’ve all heard, “sex can complicate things.” At the passing of the very first, first year anniversary, you have the issue of the anniversary itself, as well as a common ’settling in’ of both the mood and tone in the relationship, as well as thoughts of commitment, or even marriage.

The Importance of Intimacy

There is a lot to be said for the importance of ‘intimacy’ in a relationship, and perhaps this could be an entry in and of itself. Intimacy is a word that is often confused with automatically meaning sex and sexuality. But that is not intimacy. Intimacy is actually the state of being emotionally close to one another in the relationship. And typical of anything emotionally related, it is often the female of the relationship that is going to want to be more emotionally developed than the male. Guys typically will want to either avoid certain parts of the relationship while girls will be the more curious to dive right into it, even with the possibility of some negative consequences. Being fully open and honest with one another from the very start of the relationship will help ensure that any differences or hang ups the two of you have will be put to rest early rather than later. A lot of people, both guys and girls, will often hide either certain aspects of themselves, or avoid showing certain characteristics about who they are in order to help the relationship mesh better in the beginning, but this only leads to an ugly situation once the relationship has been around for an extended period of time.

Of course, the way that the association of sex was built around the word intimacy is certainly another important aspect. While there are a number of people who consider the ‘physical’ part of the relationship to either be unrelated, or unnecessary, this is very untrue. Virtually every piece of evidence we have in psychology and biology tells us that one of the most common physiological needs in human beings in physical affection. In fact, babies that are born and then not touched at all for a long period of time after birth will eventually die. This is because there is development in the brain that occurs from the stimulation of touch. Should we imagine that as adults touch is any less important? Well, possibly. The aspect of touching and sex in a relationship is a critical factor in the prolonging of a long term relationship.

How to Deal With Arguments, Disagreements, and Frustrations

When you are with someone long enough, the arguments, disagreements, and typical frustrations that come with the distinct fact that you are two different people, with your own opinions and perspectives, and that you two cannot possibly agree on everything - inevitably you must deal with these issues. But how? Sometimes couples will stay together for years at a time, screaming and yelling at each other every day, without ever really putting an ending resolve to any of their problems.

The first thing that can be said is that when you are looking for love, you definitely want to find someone who has as much in common with you as possible. While it might be true that you do not want to date or be with a carbon copy of yourself, you also do not want to be with your opposite. While the idea that opposites attract might be true in science, and magnetics, this is definitely not a truth in relationships. If you find during the early stages that the two of you simply “do not have enough in common,” it truly is a well founded reason for a break up before things get too serious.

Of course, even very similar people will have some differences, and for these, it is all about finding a healthy, mutual perspective in which both of you can coexist. Part of doing this, is having an open minded attitude to the other’s perspectives. One thing that can be said about this, is that any part of your normal daily behavior you should never have to give up purely for the sake of pleasing or not offending the other person. If you eat your food the wrong way, if you have a certain political view, and similar characteristics - there is a line of individualism that must be respected by both people of the couple.

A lot of the time, I have had to deal with situations in my relationships where the girl was absolutely relentless and stubborn in her decisions to have certain things her way over mine. One method I use for dealing with these kinds of situations, is to remain neutral in tone and in my genuine feeling. Part of the reason many relationships will end badly after several arguments is due to one person getting upset, expressing that emotion, and then another person will mirror and mimic that same feeling. Once the person who was first upset sees that their same emotions are being mirrored by the other person, they will often try to escalate their own feelings and tone until the other person does the same. The entire process turns into a painful cycle of endless emotional escalation that ends in heartbreak, and drawn out with enough energy can turn into straight out verbal abuse. Know when to let go of your negative feelings, and move on. If someone is being extremely upset because you are not doing what they want, then the best course of action is to calmly and firmly refuse, and offer either an end to the relationship or a “cool off” period as the solution. Do not stay in a situation that is potentially irrational and without calm logic.

What To Do About Compromise, and Amount of Time Spent Together

The above subtitle definitely brings us to the issue of compromise. Compromise is not something that should be tolerated, by either person. If you see that your partner is potentially compromising a part of themselves purely for your benefit and to no benefit of their own, you should stop them immediately from doing so. And likewise, they should not ask you, encourage you, or expect you to compromise any part of yourself for them at all.

Just last night I was on the phone with a friend of mine, and we were talking about relationships. What she said blew my mind. “I wasn’t trying to change him or anything, I was just trying to get him to take some pride in himself, about how he was,” and then she went on to describe how she took him to the mall and “made him try on different clothes.” Ladies, that entire statement is contradictory within itself. In trying to change the dress of someone who trying to, by your own actions, make them “better” is the same exact thing as asking someone to compromise. Likewise, guys should not require their girl to dress in bikini’s over one-pieces when visiting the beach, or doing anything that would make them uncomfortable in that kind of situation. This same example can just as easily be relayed to other situations of compromise, however.

There is always more to think about, and every relationship is especially unique. But perhaps the most important thing to remember is to be in a relationship for the right reasons. Always know your purpose, and your goal, before ever even getting into a relationship. Know who it is you are looking for. Know your limits: mentally, physically, and spiritually. Let yourself feel the natural high of love at its greatest moments, and be free to let go of negativity when it threatens your outstanding mood.