Scott Free Thinking

Many people I talk to have a hard enough time just getting relationships started and initiated. This very notion is perfectly understandable, but I think that it can be even more critical when to have the knowledge of when to make the first move or not. The first move is terribly important, because often times that first time you make intimate physical contact or you kiss, or whatever - it is going to be a moment that forever changes the context of the relationship. But how do you know when to carry this out? Well, you certainly don’t want to verbally ask! If you verbalize anything there’s that stupid possibility(unfortunately) that you’ll just “ruin the moment!”

So the communication, the ‘permission’ you’re looking for, so to speak, is going to be nonverbal. You will look for what are called IOI’s, or indicator’s of interest, as modern day pick-up artists like to call them through different forms of body language and your own intuition. You will also look for other cues, specifically in their overall expression that will be telling you what it is they’re looking for. Verbally, single sentences and phrases to certain questions also can tell you a very large amount of information without having to say very much at all.

On the topic of intuition, there’s a very good book you should read called Intuition: Its Powers and Perils, by David G. Myers. In this book, Myers points out correctly with other recent authors who have been writing on the subject that the subconscious mind does indeed have an incredible power to deduce a vast amount of information and carry out complex problem solving aids when given very little information because of its ability to process so much information at once, but as Myers points out: only when emotional influence is left out of the picture. Especially when it comes to human relationships, this is where you can have a conscious filter going that will skew your intuition into something sour and poorly evaluated.

The fact of the matter is, your intuition is constantly trying to work for you. This is why first impressions are so valuable, but also why they stress that you “shouldn’t judge someone before you get to know them.” At first glance, you might think that when we form quick judgments about people upon meeting them that may be incorrect our intuition is at fault, we are actually looking at something other than our intuition with that initial feeling. Intuition and the entire process through which it operates works under the context of our own conscious interpretation, or conscious filter. If you take the first gut reaction you have as the correct one, you’re taking the first conscious interpretation you have as the correct one.

Coming back to the topic of relationships, you can see how maybe relying on intuition alone is not going to be a very good idea. Especially in the heat of the moment where you’re about to kiss that special someone or maybe walk them to their door - how can you possibly rely on intuition when you just might be going off of your own conscious interpretation of it? Well, on a long term note: developing an ability to understand both yourself and how your intuitive process works is going to help you in all areas of life in the long run. I would recommend reading my Introduction to Intuitive Social Analysis(ISA) when you get a chance, which describes how we can use our complex intuitive process to get information about people we never even dreamed possible. One person who is astonishingly good with interpreting their intuition is my friend Alex, who determined that my girlfriend owned a dog just by looking at a picture of her standing in the middle of a yard. Consciously, the whole thing seems ludicrous, but subconsciously - there’s more that we understand than we can possibly understand.

Having said that, sometimes your own interpretation is totally spot on. When I’m close to a girl and she is looking at me a certain way, I’ve come to know from experience what particular gazes and looks probably mean. For example, one day at work a girl was smiling a very particular sort of smile I had rarely seen from her before and staring directly into my eyes with a soft sort of stare. As you can probably guess from my trying to write about it: there’s only so many words that I can use to get you to imagine how I can just ‘recognize it,’ but like many of you I can promise I swear I know when I see it. Later on that same day after she had given me that look she told me she had feelings for me. Logically, the gaze could have been considered anything: she was thinking about an old joke or something. Intuitively, I understood: oh wow, she likes me!

The key to this whole thing called intuition is practice. Practice understanding it and with everything, not just what you think might be intuition, practice your ability at understanding your own reactions to your thoughts, both in the first instance you feel them as well as later when things may not quite be so obvious. Also try doing actual follow ups later on, asking the people you interacted with about the experience. I often like to ask girls I’ve ended up with later on: “Do you remember that day when we shook hands and you…” where experiences can then be validated. Once you can understand specific moments in which the two of you were both mutually experiencing the same thing you’ll come to understand those instances in the future that much easier.

Actual IOI, or indicator’s of interest, are often distinctly different between the two genders of male and female. For females, playing with their hair, fidgeting a little bit more than usual, laughing more than they normally would, and being more touchy-feely than they normally would are all signs that they are interested. If you have just one of those indicators, things are looking up. If you have any three of them happening simultaneously, chances are good - make the move! For males, I’ve seen these things differ from individual to individual, and from my own experience I think that males IOI’s can be more subtle. Initiating kinesthetics, or touching, is something that is universal among both genders, and so is the dilation of the pupils. If it is a sunny day outside and someone is looking at you with huge pupils - it means they take an affectionate view toward you.

Of course, I don’t want you panicking if it is truly bright outside and people’s pupils are tiny, they’re squinting just to try and keep their eyes protected from harsh light - sometimes it really is just too bright! But it is also true that when you’re in a situation that it should obviously be different, dilated pupils can be a clear cut, non-deniable physiological sign that someone fancies you. The reason the pupils dilate is to let in more light for a more vivid image. It’s the brain’s way of telling the body that it hungers for a closer, more vibrant image of this person. Fundamentally at virtually every possible level, it’s attraction at its best.

Another universal IOI between both genders is the adoption and assimilation of certain traits, be it mannerisms or just personality isms. If there is a certain way that you talk and your desired special someone starts imitating those movements and gestures, you’re also looking at a good sign. This is something human beings do when they like anything, and it’s more simply known as imitation. Even kids in elementary school will imitate people they find entertaining or likeable.

When it comes to kinesthetics, or touch, the key is escalation. If someone is already engaging in kino with you, this is a wonderful sign! It means that they are already comfortable being close to you and that moving to a higher level with it will probably be much easier because the initial efforts have already been made. Kinesthetics are the clearest, easiest way to determine how to proceed with the next move, or the big “first move.” You can start by doing compliance tests. I know that I have a deeper level of connection with a girl who will actually give me her hand when I request so than a girl who won’t, and I know I have an even deeper level of connection beyond that when a girl will then let me touch her hand a lot while holding it to illustrate a point. The more intimate they allow contact to be, the more likely you’re able to kiss them or touch them elsewhere!

Words of warning, though: this does not mean to go grabbing a girl’s boobs or something and see what happens. You also want to always keep in mind the context of whatever situation or setting you’re in! Do NOT do this while you’re in the workplace unless you’re already sure compliance can happen without negative consequences, or particular other settings. You have to use your own discretion on that one and not all of the work can be done for you in a simple article. Of course, it’s also important to keep in mind that the context shouldn’t necessarily always stop you either. If you find yourself making tons of excuses in your mind as to why you should not do certain things, and those excuses are endlessly showing up no matter what, you’ve problem got a new problem to deal with: shyness.

Going back to my previous example of touching hands - hands are perfect, because hands are completely neutral limbs of the body. If I were to touch her legs, I might run into trouble. If I were to touch her arms anywhere above the elbow, I might also be running into trouble. If were to touch her stomach, definitely her chest, her neck, or her face: these are all potentially bad areas. But hands are fair game in tons of different contexts, so you’re often safe to play with her hands when she will comply. All in all, the ending doorway that you’re attempting to get to, whether you’re male or female, is touch. The compliance of touch is paired with emotional compliance, and emotional compliance is the essential lifeblood of any romantic relationship when it’s shared between the two people involved.

When all is said and done, it is entirely possible that you could be miles away from reaching that point. If a guy or girl is blowing you off with statements like, “I’ve got to take care of my pet guinea pig,” or they repeatedly say things to their friends in your presence like, “I couldn’t possibly spend time with [your name here],” then you’re definitely in trouble, and it is giving you a very laid out status report of where you two stand socially. Still, a common fact usually holds true: watch the body language versus the verbal language. Most of the time, the body language of someone should override what it is that they’re saying to you. If a girl makes out with me and then tells me, “I’m not interested in you,” her statement, in and of itself, is not believable at all. On the other hand, if she is saying that there are definitely some other factors I’m probably going to want to consider and look into.

In a person’s body language and their verbal language are lined up in shunning you off - it’s time to move on. It really is that simple when it comes to those who are completely uninterested in you and there is nothing you can do to change that - the best choice you can make is to move on and walk away.

Hopefully I’ve given you some good information here and you will be better equipped in your future romantic adventures with that special someone! Discuss this thread further by leaving comments, or, if you’re a member of PDP, discuss this thread at Personal Development Partners.

Working part time at a job of mine, someone I work with recently said a quote along the lines of, “If you’re not assertive, you’re fucked.” The statement was a bit harsh and unforgiving, and certainly I had to take a moment to consider its validity. But then I quickly realized, he was right. We were talking about an incident in which I accidentally offended someone by not introducing them at a restaurant. Because this guy was not assertive, he was left feeling lonely, left out, and like he had been shunned. It was no one’s direct intention to reject him from the group or to make him feel unwelcome. He did that on his own by failing to be assertive.

The power of assertion goes far beyond simple necessity, however. When it comes to social situations of any kind, the individual who exudes self confidence over self insecurity will prevail, even influence others around him to follow his lead. During my time this recent college semester getting up in front of classes to speak on various topics, one of which was the topic of polyamory to my social psychology class, I have learned that being fearless is equivalent to being powerful.

For many of us, fear is the element that will often stop us in our tracks and determine whether or not we are going to succeed at something. Sometimes fear can make or break greatness. Sometimes fear can just stop that little bit extra that could have broke through the surface and allowed us to move to a whole other level. If I had been afraid to speak up on polyamory, I would not have gotten applause, or questions, and most importantly: I would not have made a difference on anyone’s mind in a room filled with over 25 people.

Think about that for a moment. If you walk through your life being shy, being shunned, and letting yourself step down from the stage every single time an opportunity strikes, how many lives will you not affect positively because of that? Whether you want to go with the whole Spider-Man philosophy of “with great power comes great responsibility” or not - you’ve got to admit that passing up opportunity to create positive change is definitely a waste of perfectly amazing potential. I bet I could sit down and within half an hour think of over a dozen different memories where I’ve made a positive difference on groups of people. Would I feel differently about life if I had not stepped up to the challenge?

This very blog can be an example of that. The amount of people who have come into contact with these articles is the equivalent of more than two or three small cities - over 75,000 people have read my writing. That means that I’ve had the opportunity to get my message, or at least part of it, across to that many people. Think about how many more times I might have the chance to speak up to classrooms filled with anywhere from 20 to 30 to maybe even 40 people. Over time, the numbers begin to add up, and the difference definitely becomes cumulative.

Think about the way that some ideas get spread, or the way that some people become famous. These things happen because of assertiveness and assertion itself, not because you’re sitting idly, watching the world go by. The only way a difference gets made is by people actually taking the time to make a difference.

But wait a minute, how does this apply to YOU?

I’ll tell you exactly how this applies to you, and everyone you know. You don’t have to leave a mark on thousands or even hundreds of people. Leaving an impression, or being assertive, with just a small group of people, is all you’ve got to do. Next time you find yourself in a situation where no one is introducing you, feel free to step up and take on the duty yourself. But remember, there is no need to be bitter. You are the one in control of your own destiny, and for that reason your choices must be made with a peaceful progression. If you are the assertive one among your friends, your friends will then look to you for guidance and follow your example. If you are the assertive one in a business setting your colleagues will do the same and often elect you to be in important positions which probably offer more benefits and rewards.

The main thing about being assertive is that it is not an overall attitude or lifestyle that fits everyone. Not everyone likes having the object of choice and decision put squarely in their lap. If you’re an ignorant or stupid person, you’re probably not going to want people to put you into positions of power and choice because of your assertiveness, because then you’re liable to screw it all up, aren’t you?

On the other hand, you have to have the confidence, the belief, and you must also expend the energy, the effort to understand thoroughly: you deserve the positions and the rewards that are gained from your being assertive. No one else can do that for you. The question to ask yourself is where do you want to be? Do you want to be on the lower end, sitting passively and allowing yourself to casually take part in a team activity where you’re simply another member of the team? Or do you want to be the head member of the team, in control of the resources, actively taking control of their own destiny and their own life?

The answer you have for me might just surprise me, because I think while most people will elect to be the one actively taking control and having access to the additional resources that come with assertiveness, many people do not have the courage to actually do so when the situation comes to pass. But perhaps we should also figure something else out: why do the assertive get access to more resources in virtually any social situation?

The answer is that the assertive are seen as knowledgeable, and the knowledgeable are seen as leaders. With assertiveness comes the image of experience, and a persona of leadership. To become assertive is to declare yourself, without having to directly say so, that you are a leader, not a follower, and that those who wish to accept you will have to do so under your own terms. It’s funny, but by communicating such things by simply being those things, people will almost never attempt to oppose you in that particular kind of position. The power of a group to influence an individual might be frightening, but perhaps more frightening to me is the power of an individual to influence a group by their own confidence and assertiveness in creating their own non-worded declared form of leadership.